


Soiled Nappies and Sonic Screwdrivers

by Irrepressable



Series: Parrotverse [7]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Baby, Children, Drama, F/F, F/M, Family, Humor, OC/OC - Freeform, Pregnancy, oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2018-08-11 06:46:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7880629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrepressable/pseuds/Irrepressable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The further adventures of Clara Oswald and the Doctor. A series of Parrotverse-related one-shots. Rated general audiences to explicit. Mostly Twelve/Clara, but there are other pairings as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What's In A Name?, Intimacy, and Awake

**Author's Note:**

> It's been asked for. I've been given ideas for it. I've come up with a few of my own. So, here it is. This will contain the answers that you've been seeking after reading Unplanned. It will basically be a series of interconnected one-shots that may not necessarily be in chronological order. Try to keep up, okay? I'll try to make this fun for everyone.

**Title: What's In A Name?**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: After recieving surprising news, the Doctor and Clara have an important decision to make.**

**Takes Place between the incident in the warehouse and the end of the story.**

　

There was so much blood. The Doctor had seen blood before. He had seen a lot of it. He just hadn't seen so much of Clara's. It had been all over the ground at the warehouse. It was all over his clothes. He'd almost rode in the ambulance with Clara, but he had ultimately decided to take the TARDIS. He would get there quickly and still have time to attend to his own wounds and change his clothes. He didn't think that if- _when_ Clara survived, he sharply corrected himself, she would want to see him soaked in her blood. After changing, he set the time and place to the hospital that Clara would be going to, making sure to arrive a few minutes after she had. Not too long, though. He quickly ran up to the woman at the front desk and said, "Clara Oswald. I'm her friend. Is she-"

The woman had started looking the name up the moment the Doctor had said it. Looking up, the nurse said, "She's in surgery. I'll tell them that you're here."

She directed him to a place where he could sit. With a frustrated sigh, the helpless Time Lord sat down in a chair and hung his head in defeat. He felt so helpless. He was almost never helpless. There was currently nothing he could do, though. He had thought about travelling back in time to prevent this from happening to Clara, but there was a paradox to consider. All that the Doctor could do was hope that Clara survived. She had lost a lot of blood. So much blood. And the look on her face, the look on her face when she realized that she had lost their child was seared into his brain. Would she be able to recover from that? How well would she be able to cope with the loss of the brown-haired, brown-eyed little boy that could have been? The Doctor wasn't even sure how well _he'd_ cope with it. It would be even harder if he were to lose Clara to the injuries that had been inflicted upon her. Letting out a frustrated groan, the Doctor reached up and tugged his own hair before releasing it and letting the arm that wasn't in a sling rest on his thigh, hand hanging between his legs. He just sat like that, waiting for many hours without any sort of news. Finally, a blonde-haired man in scrubs approached him. "Are you with Clara Oswald?" the man asked.

　

"Yes." the Doctor replied quickly, standing up at once. "Is she..."

　

The man smiled and said, "It was touch and go for a while and she had lost a lot of blood, but she's going to be fine. They both are, both her and the baby."

　

"The baby?" the Doctor tried to say, but it came out half-wheezed.

　

The Time Lord felt his knees begin to buckle, but he managed to keep standing. The expression on his face was one of stunned disbelief. The human male nodded and said, "Congratulations. You have a little boy. The bullet hit him in the leg, but we're taking good care of him. With any luck, he'll heal quite nicely. He's slightly early, but otherwise healthy."

　

The Doctor struggled for words- a rare occasion indeed- before finally asking, "When can I see her?"

　

"A nurse will get you when she wakes up." the blonde man replied.

　

The blond man seemed in a hurry to leave. He was turning to walk away when the Doctor called out, "Wait!"

　

The blonde man turned back to the Doctor and asked, "What is it?"

　

"I'd like to be the one to tell her." the Time Lord said insistantly.

　

"All right." the blonde man said. "I'll see what I can do."

　

With that, the man left. The Doctor sat back down in the chair and let out a sigh of relief. Clara was alive and so was their son. They had a son and he was healthy. The Doctor leaned back into the chair, a faint smile on his face. He meant to close his eyes for just a second. He hadn't realized just how exhausted he was, just how long it had been since he had slept properly. It was only natural that he drift off.

　

A few hours later, the Doctor felt someone shaking his shoulder. He opened his eyes to see a brown-skinned woman with multi-braided hair looking at him. "She's awake." the woman said. "I can take you to her."

　

The Doctor nodded and stood up, allowing the nurse to lead him away. When he finally arrived at Clara's room, the Doctor saw that she was in pretty bad shape. Her arms were covered in bandages. He suspected that much of her torso, which had also been covered in knife wounds, was also covered in gauze and tape. She looked so weak, so tired. She looked so defeated. The Doctor never wanted to see her like that again. Clara raised her tired head and croaked out, "Doctor..."

　

The Time Lord immediately rushed to his companion's side. Without hesitation, he crouched down and took her hand in his. "Doctor, I'm sorry." Clara whispered.

　

"There is no reason for apologies." the Doctor said softly.

　

"I shouldn't have left the door unlocked." the impossible girl cried, berating herself. Her expession was one of utter defeat.

　

The Doctor kissed Clara's hand lightly and said, "Clara, listen to me. I have something you need to hear about the baby."

　

Clara looked away from the Doctor, fighting back tears. "I know, Doctor. He's gone."

　

"No, Clara." the Doctor said. "He's not. The bullet hit him in the leg, but he'll be-"

　

"My baby is alive?" Clara gasped.

　

"Alive and, aside from a bullet hole in his leg, very healthy." the Doctor said, a smile on his face.

　

Clara, with all of her unpredictable human emotions, surprised the Doctor when tears poured down her face. Her abused body shook with every sob. The Doctor's eyes widened in panic. "Clara? Clara! What's wrong?"

　

Clara continued to cry for a little longer before regaining her ability to speak. "It's not wrong. He's alive. Oh god, Doctor, he's alive! What do I do now?"

　

"Just get better." the Doctor replied. "He'll still be there."

　

Clara nodded, smiled, and whispered, "I think I'm still tired."

　

"Rest." the Doctor said, giving Clara's hand a gentle squeeze.

　

Clara's eyes began to drift shut. Suddenly, they opened again. "Doctor, your shoulder!" she gasped.

　

"Took the bullet out in the TARDIS." the Doctor replied. "Put my arm in a sling. Just rest."

　

"All right," Clara said firmly, "but you have to go back to the TARDIS and rest yourself."

　

"Yes, boss." the Doctor said sarcastically.

　

Clara laughed softly before closing her eyes with a sigh. It didn't take long for her to fall back to sleep, a look of contentment on her face.

　

ooooooooooooooo

　

In the days after that, Clara and the Doctor would both try to be in their son's company whenever possible. Clara made sure to put her mammary glands to proper use in feeding the infant. Of course, there was a decision to make, one that couldn't be held off for long. After finishing nursing the baby, Clara looked up at the Doctor and said, "He needs a name."

　

"Wonderful." the Doctor sighs. "Here comes the arguing."

　

"None of your suggestions of weird alien names have been any good!" Clara said, clearly irritated. "Do you have any normal suggestions?"

　

"Well," the Doctor said, "We could name him after the doctor who saved him."

　

Clara smiled and said, "That's actually a good idea."

　

It was good luck that a nurse came in to check on Clara. Immediately, the impossible girl asked, "Excuse me, but is it possible to talk to the person who delivered my baby?"

　

"Not right now," the nurse replied, "But we'll see if he can talk to you when he's free."

　

Clara nodded. She was willing to wait. When the person in question did finally arrive, it was a young man with pomaded blonde hair and incredibly blue eyes. It was the man that the Doctor had spoken to the night that his son had been born. Clara smiled at the blonde man and said, "I'd like to thank you for saving my baby."

　

The man smiled awkwardly and said, "It's what anyone in my position would do, Miss Oswald."

　

"I'd like to name my baby after you." Clara said. "What is your name?"

　

The man hesitated for a moment before replying, "My name is Harold Bumm."

　

Clara froze. She was silent for a moment before echoing, "Harold Bumm?

　

"Yes." Bumm said. "With two m's."

　

Clara was silent for a second before firmly saying, "No."

　

"'No' what, Clara?" the Doctor questioned.

　

"I am not naming my son after him." Clara said, keeping her voice firm.

　

"It's not a bad name." the Doctor said, not noticing the way Bumm seemed to be standing so awkwardly.

　

"Harold Bumm." Clara elaborated. " _Harry Bumm_ , Doctor."

　

It took a second for it to sink in to the Doctor. When it finally registered his, his eyes widened. "I am not naming my son 'hairy bum'." Clara said harshly.

　

"Right." the Doctor said. "No hairy bums."

　

"Well," Bumm said awkwardly, "I should probably go. Since you find my name to be so _bothersome_ and everything."

　

"Right." the Doctor said, clearly disinterested in the young blonde man's feelings. "Go, then."

　

The young man immediately left. Clara glanced out the door and asked, "Do you think we should apologize to him?"

　

"Nope." the Doctor replied without hesitation.

　

"You would think that." Clara snorted.

　

There was a brief silence before Clara said, "So, I'm out of ideas. Do you have any new ones, Doctor?"

　

"No." the Doctor replied with a frown. "None that you'd approve of."

　

A thoughtful expression appeared on Clara's face. "Maybe," the Impossible girl said before hesitating.

　

"Maybe what?" the Doctor inquired.

　

"Maybe we should go with Jack's idea." Clara suggested. "We could name him John Smith Oswald."

　

"John Smith Oswald?" The Doctor questioned.

　

"It was better than my first suggestion. I wanted to name him Ernest." Clara said with a shrug.

　

"Ew." the Doctor said with a scowl. "I still don't see why you won't let me name him-"

　

"Because I can't _pronounce_ it, Doctor, and neither can anyone else on Earth." Clara interrupted the Time Lord with a frown.

　

There was a brief silence before Clara asked, "Is this really the best we can do, Doctor?"

　

The Time Lord shrugged and said, "Eh. Probably."

　

Clara shrugged as well and once more suggested, "John Smith Oslwald?"

　

The Doctor nodded and said, "John Smith Oswald it is, then."

　

oooooooooooooooooooo

　

**Title: Intimacy**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: Since coming home from the hospital, Clara has been oddly distant towards the Doctor. He can't help but wonder if it's his fault.**

**Takes Place two months after _What's In A Name?_**

　

The Doctor's mind was a complicated thing that was never empty for long. Various things would occupy his thoughts. Those things could differ greatly in subject matter. Right now, however, there were two things that were at the forefront of his mind. One of them was his brand new son, John Smith Oswald. The other was the mother of said child, Clara Oswald. She and John had gotten out of the hospital around the same time and they were both recovering in relative comfort in the TARDIS. At his current age, John had fairly simple needs. That didn't mean that the little time tot had made it easy for either of his parents. Even the Doctor had started to feel worn out and had been forced to acknowledge his need for sleep. Sleep, of course, did not come easy or often with John utilizing his very healthy lungs to make his needs known. When John was supposed to be resting in his crib at night, he was instead awake and screaming. The Doctor or Clara had to react quickly to attend to the distressed infant. They would probably make better time, the Doctor decided, if Clara were to start sleeping closer to the nursery. That meant that she would be sleeping in the Doctor's room, in the Doctor's bed. He rather liked the idea. He'd gotten used to Clara lying next to him and had actually started to enjoy it. He would not at all mind falling asleep with her in his arms when he did go to bed. Unfortunately, when the Doctor suggested that she sleep in his room, pure panic appeared for a split second on Clara's face. She told him that she didn't want to impose and suggested that maybe he just have the TARDIS move her room a bit closer to the nursery.

　

The Doctor was still puzzled by this. Back when she was pregnant, she absolutely did not seem to mind being held by him when she slept. She would even seek it out. Why now, after John had been born, was she set on sleeping alone? It was a bit of a puzzle. The Doctor frowned. He didn't like it when Clara was confusing like this. He _hated_ being confused. Another confusing thing right now- it was warmer in the TARDIS than it should be. He was currently trying to find out what was causing the problem. As he was examining the appropriate parts of the machine, he heard the soft sound of bare feet padding nearby. He glanced over his shoulder to see Clara looking at him. Rather than being in a light, cool nightie, she was dressed in a pair of pajamas that covered pretty much everything. To Clara's human body, they must have been uncomfortable in this temperature. In each hand, she held a nice, cold glass of lemonade. "I brought you something." Clara said with a soft smile.

　

The Doctor stood up from where he was crouched and took one of the glasses from his companion. He brought the drink to his lips and took a big sip. He then gave her a contemplative look. The silence lasted for a very short time before the Doctor said, "A bit hot in here, isn't it?"

　

"A bit." Clara agreed.

　

"It's the kind of temperature that one of your species would dress to be more comfortable in." the Doctor pointed out.

　

"I'm good." Clara said with a smile.

　

The Doctor frowned. He could tell she was lying. Quickly, he took one of her sleeves in his hand and began to roll it back as he said, "Look, if you're going to wear this, at least roll it back a bit so you won't be so-"

　

Clara quickly wrenched her sleeve from his grip and cried, "Don't touch me!"

　

The Doctor's expression was one of pure shock as he watched Clara pull her sleeve back down. She clutched her hands tightly together and said, "I'm going to take a cool shower. The temperature seems normal in John's room, but... um, I'll just wash."

　

The Doctor nodded and watched as Clara walked away. He was left with heavy hearts. Why didn't she want him to touch her? The Doctor frowned. Maybe it was because he hadn't been fast enough to save her from being harmed by her attacker. It was true that he hadn't. She'd be right to be angry with him. Had he not been so preoccupied, he might have put things together in time and been able to prevent her from being harmed.

　

As he resumed working on the damaged part, he continued to ponder possible reasons why she might have reacted that way. Why was she suddenly _repulsed_ by him? Had her attraction to him suddenly faded? Humans were known to do that. The Doctor's frown deepened. She had told him that she loved him on two seperate occasions. Had she really meant it or was it simply the effects of her hormones? Had motherhood knocked some sense into her and rid her of her attraction to a mad old man? The more he thought about it, the less he liked the conclusion that it led to: a desperately miserable Clara, shackled to his side by obligation until their son was no longer a child. With all of the force he could muster, he shoved that thought to the side. He planned on keeping that thought at bay until he at least had the temperature control fixed. Then perhaps he could talk to Clara, ask her why she had been avoiding him, why she didn't want him to touch her.

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It took the Doctor a while to fully locate the source of the problem and fix it, but he'd gotten it done. Now came the problem of talking to Clara. He was rubbish at this sort of thing. Still, he'd have to try. This was important. With that thought in mind, he headed to the corridor where the doors to his, Clara's, and John's rooms were located. He first checked on John, who was sleeping comfortably in the ideal temperature. He then headed to Clara's door. He tried to open the door, but it was locked. He knocked a few times, but there was no response. Once again, the Doctor frowned. If Clara was getting ready for a shower, maybe he should do the same. So, he headed into his room. He walked over to where his bathroom was, opened the door, and turned the light on. His ears were greeted with a shriek of alarm. She stood there, wet and naked, without a stitch of clothing on her. The Doctor could see every detail of her body, every stretch mark, her cesarian scar, her bullet scar and all of her knife scars. Clara rushed over to where the towels were kept, grabbed one, and tried to cover as much of her body as she could. "Turn the lights back off!" Clara panicked. "Don't look at me!"

　

"Clara, the floor is wet." the Doctor scolded. "If it's dark, you'll slip and fall."

　

"I'll be careful!" Clara said, her tone turning pleading, "Just please, please, Doctor! Stop looking at me!"

　

The Doctor scowled deeply and said, "You don't want me to see you naked."

　

"Yes! I mean, no, I don't want you to see me naked!" Clara stammered, clutching the towel tightly to herself.

　

"Why?" the Doctor asked.

　

"It's disgusting!" Clara hissed, clenching her eyes tightly shut.

　

The Doctor felt his stomach drop. A mixture of pain, sorrow, and anger suffused his being. He turned away and growled, "I understand, Clara. You needn't hide it anymore, that you're revolted by an old man looking at your body."

　

"What?" Clara gasped, clearly confused.

　

"You won't let me touch you. You can barely stand to be in the same room as me." the Doctor snapped. "You said it yourself, you don't want me to see you naked because it's 'disgusting'."

　

Clara let out a frustrated groan and said, "Not _you_ , Doctor!"

　

"What?" the Doctor questioned.

　

"You," Clara paused before quietly continuing, "You're not the disgusting one, Doctor. I am."

　

This time, it was the Doctor's turn to be utterly confused. He turned to look at his companion before saying, "You really think that you're disgusting?"

　

"Don't you?" Clara asked, tears falling. "Every time I look at one of these scars, they're a reminder how of how _I_ almost lost my son because _I_ was careless enough to let Alex get into my flat. Each one of them is proof why I'll never be good enough for John because I _failed_ him before he even took his first breath. Nothing I ever do will be good enough to make up for that!"

　

"Well, then, Clara Oswald," the Doctor said stiffly, "you are _woefully_ ignorant of the opinions of the people you claim to care about."

　

The Time Lord looked directly at the human female and continued, "My view, for example, is that you are, and always will be, Clara Oswald, the woman that I love and the mother of my child. A few scars aren't going to change that."

　

The Doctor gazed out of his bathroom in, in the direction of the corridor and, beyond that, the doorway to John's room. Clara followed his gaze until their eyes met again. The Doctor approached Clara and looked directly at her. His gaze seemed to soften a bit. "As for John," the Time Lord said, "When you're holding him, he doesn't worry about falling because he knows that you won't drop him. To him, the safest place he can ever be is in his mother's arms."

　

"Doctor..." Clara murmured.

　

"Sleep wherever you want." the Doctor said. "Just don't assume things. You humans have a saying about what happens when you assume."

　

"What's the saying?" Clara asked.

　

"How the hell should I know?" the Doctor shot back. "You're the human, not me."

　

The Doctor felt a sense of relief when Clara rolled her eyes. Crisis averted. Clara smiled awkwardly and said, "Well, I suppose I should get dressed. Knowing John, he's likely to wake up hungry any minute now. That baby waits for no one."

　

The Doctor nodded and stepped aside to allow the towel-wrapped Clara to leave and head to her old room to change. It was rather fascinating to watch Clara breastfeed John, but the Doctor wasn't sure of she was up for having an audience. He knew that he would probably still have to give Clara some space. Whether she slept in her room, his room, or John's room, the Doctor would try to have faith that his words had made her see the truth of his feelings for her. He loved her and she would always look the same to him. She had heard him say it. The rest was up to her.

　

oooooooooooooooooooo

　

It had been three days since the Doctor had spoken to Clara in the bathroom and he hadn't slept in quite some time. He was growing rather weary. It was time that he tried to get some sleep, whether Clara was in his bed or not. So, he laid down in bed, intent on going to sleep. Around midnight, relative to the human time cycle that Clara went by, the Doctor was awoken by the sound of John crying. He was about to get up when he heard the sound of Clara's slightly off-tune singing. Slowly, the crying decreased in volume before stopping entirely. It was rather soothing to think about, the woman he loved caring for the child that they had created together. Slowly, he began to drift off. He was nearly asleep when he felt a weight sink into his bed. A smile appearing on his face as the Doctor reached out and drew Clara closer to him before wrapping his arms around her and holding her close to him. Clara let out a sigh of contentment before nuzzling into his chest. With the woman he loved in his arms, the Doctor drifted off into the most restful sleep that he'd had in weeks.

　

Well, until the sound of a crying infant woke them up again. Clara and the Doctor both sat up with twin sighs. "It sounds like he needs changed." the Doctor said, translating the infant's desires to Clara.

　

"I'll take care of it." Clara said with a sigh as she got out of bed.

　

The Doctor nodded and laid back down on his side. He looked at Clara, silently asking a question. "I'll change John's nappy." Clara elaborated. "Then I'll come back to bed."

　

"Your bed?" the Doctor questioned.

　

" _Our_ bed." Clara responded.

　

The Doctor smiled and waited in silence until, finally, Clara crawled back into bed with him. The Time Lord held her, embraced her, as she relaxed in his arms. Sleepily, Clara murmured, "Doctor?"

　

"Yes, Clara?" the Doctor replied.

　

"I love you." Clara whispered into his chest.

　

The Doctor tilted his head towards Clara's and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. Now they were there, in what was no longer his bed or her bed, but _their_ bed. It felt _right_ , as if she belonged there, in his arms. In deep content, each fell asleep to the sound of the other's breathing. He loved her and she loved him and it was there, lying in their shared bed, that they belonged. They would always belong there, together in an intimate embrace.

　

oooooooooooooooo

　

**Title: Indecent Proposal**

**Rating: G**

**Summary: With a few short weeks away from motherhood, Clara decides to go on one last girls' night out with Amelia and Pavarti. The Doctor, wanting to keep an eye on Clara, goes with them. In the meantime, Amelia has a surprise planned for Pavarti.**

**Takes Place in Week 33 of _Unplanned_**

Ah yes, motherhood. It would include such things as joy, pride, and surrendering all of one's time to a tiny, squealing creature. Clara Oswald was heading straight for it. It would be only a month or so until she reached that state. She rather looked forward to having her baby, though the whole surrendering all of one's time thing wouldn't leave much time for other things. The petite brunette let out a sigh and rubbed her tummy fondly. Deep down, she knew that the hardship would be worth it. Suddenly, the sound of her phone ringing pierced the air. Immediately, Clara answered it. "Hello."

　

A familiar Hispanic American accent came from the phone. " _Hola_ , Chickie!"

　

"Hello, Amelia!" Clara said with a smile. "How are things going?"

　

"Great." Amelia Hernandez replied. "I have an idea for tonight. It involves you, me, and Pavarti."

　

Clara paused, unsure of what kind of plan the American might have come up with. Clara shook her head and said, "What's the plan?"

　

"We go on one last girls' night out." Amelia replied. "You know, before you are shackled by the chains of motherhood. I know this great place that has karaoke. It'll be a blast!"

　

Clara paused once again to think it over before smiling and saying, "Karaoke?"

　

"Karaoke." Amelia confirmed.

　

"I don't suppose you have an ulterior motive, do you?" Clara inquired with a smirk.

　

"Maybe." Amelia said cryptically. "So, how about it?"

　

"A girls' night out does sound fun." Clara admitted. "Count me in."

　

Suddenly, a familiar voice sounded behind her. The Doctor, sounding suspicious, asked, "Where are you going for this 'girls' night out'?"

　

"Amelia is going to take me there." Clara responded with a smile.

　

The Doctor frowned and said, "I don't trust that woman."

　

"You just don't like her because she knocked you out with a cricket bat." Clara said cheekily.

　

"She could cause trouble." the Doctor said, his frown deepening.

　

"No more trouble than you cause on a regular basis." Clara replied. "This is an ordinary girls' night out."

　

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest and said, "I still don't trust that woman."

　

"What are you going to do, come with me?" Clara snarked, hands on her hips.

　

The Doctor paused, a contemplative expression on his face. Clara's expression fell. "No." the petite brunette said. "You are _not_ coming with me!"

　

The Doctor frowned again and said, "Apparently, you are under the impression that I'm giving you a choice."

　

Clara groaned and slumped. This was going to be the worst girls' night out ever.

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

For the girls' night out, Clara had dressed in a little black maternity dress with a pair of black flat shoes. When Amelia came to pick her up, Clara could see that the American was wearing her best jeans and a white button-down blouse. Pavarti, who was sitting in the other front seat, was wearing a cream peasant blouse and a pastel green T-length skirt with daisies printed on it. The Doctor, compared to the three women, was underdressed. He was wearing his hoodie, T-shirt, and plaid trousers. Amelia glared at the Doctor before looking at Clara and asking, "Why did you have to bring _him_?"

　

"He wanted to come along." Clara replied with a shrug. "I couldn't really say no."

　

"Well, he'd better behave." Amelia said with a frown.

　

"Sweetheart, I'm sure that it will be fine." Pavarti said with a smile.

　

"All right." Amelia said with a sigh. "Get in the car."

　

The Doctor and Clara both climbed into the car, Clara having a bit of difficulty due to the size of her belly. Still, she managed. Amelia then drove them to the place where they would be going for what had originally been planned to be a girls' night out. It was a small place that wasn't particularly flashy. A sign on the door read, 'Karaoke Night'. The group then headed into the building. It exuded a strange, welcoming warmth inside. It was as if everyone who walked into the place was welcome. Immediately, Clara ordered a caffeine-free carbonated beverage. Pavarti, because she had work the next day, also ordered a non-alcoholic drink. Amelia arranged for them to sing on stage and then bought a beer. The Doctor, non-surprisingly, bought a stiffer drink. The four of them listened to the people singing, some of whom were good and some of whom were completely horrendous. When the horrible singers were on stage, the Doctor would grimace and complain to the three woman accompanying him until, finally, Amelia smacked him across the back of his head and growled at him to shut up.

　

Before long, it was Clara's turn. The very pregnant woman waddled onto the stage took the microphone and faced the karaoke machine at the front of the stage. In a slightly off-key voice, Clara began to sing Bon Jovi's _Living On A Prayer_. It wasn't horrible to listen to, but it could have been better. When Clara had finished the song, scattered applause sounded from the crowd. Clara then left the stage and returned to the table before taking a sip of her drink. There were a few more songs before it was finally Amelia's turn. The American grinned at her company before she dashed up to the stage. She turned to face the crowd and grinned. "Good evening, people. This song is a special one for the special woman in my life, Pavarti Patil."

　

Amelia pointed at the table and a spotlight shone on Pavarti, who immediately blushed. Amelia continued, "We've been together for three and a half years, three of those years spent on opposite sides of the Atlantic. Still, we've stayed together. This song is the only song I could have chosen. This one's for you, Pavarti."

　

The music began to play and Amelia smiled at Pavarti before brursting into Jason Derulo's _Marry Me_. Pavarti's jaw dropped and her eyes widened dramatically. Clara grinned and elbowed the Doctor. "I don't suppose you saw this coming." the Time Lord whispered.

　

"Actually, I did." Clara replied. "Now be quiet and let her sing."

　

When the song was finished, Amelia grinned broadly and asked, "How about it, Pavarti? Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

　

Smiling just as broadly as Amelia, Pavarti burst out, "Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!"

　

The crowd exploded into cheers and applause. Amelia left the stage and walked over to Pavarti. The two women embraced and kissed as the crowd applauded for them. The two fiances then sat back down at the table. They had never seemed happier. Pavarti beamed at Clara and the Doctor before asking, "How about you two? When are you two going to get married?"

　

The Doctor and Clara both blushed vividly. The Time Lord sputtered, unable to find words. Her tone clearly conveying awkwardness, Clara said, "We're not together. Not like that."

　

Pavarti knowingly nodded at Amelia. The American looked at her neurologist fiance with a frown before slowly breaking into a grin. The Doctor and Clara claimed that they were not in a romantic relationship, but Pavarti knew that it was only a matter of time before they were.

　

When karaoke night was over, the group left. Amelia had her arm over Pavarti's shoulder and both were bearing broad grins. The Doctor glanced over at the distracted Clara. He loved her so much. Unfortunately, there was the problem of her not loving him. He thought about the evening's events and thought about how, even if Clara _did_ love him, marriage was unlikely to happen in the future. Clara probably was not the marrying kind. Still, whether marriage was eventually possible or not, he could still dream, couldn't he?

　

　


	2. A Day With Uncle Jack, What To Inspect When You're Expecting, Open Mouth And Insert Foot

 

**Title: A Day With Uncle Jack**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: Good ol' Uncle Jack Harkness steals John for a day. What's the worst that could happen?**

**Takes Place when John is three years old**

　

7:00 AM

　

With a young son to raise, Clara and the Doctor were very busy keeping an eye on him during their adventures, which had gotten a little safer since their child was born. John was a very energetic child. Sometimes that energy led to trouble. Even the best behaved three year olds sometimes get into trouble. That meant that Clara or the Doctor, or sometimes both of them, had to keep an eye on John pretty much at all times. It was their focus on the time tot that left them very little time to themselves. The sexual tension onboard the TARDIS was at an all-time high. Clara and the Doctor needed some _alone time_ and they needed it _badly_. The opportunity for such a thing came at a surprising time and from a surprising source. At the time, the Doctor had lifted John up and was examining him for any sign of injury. John was injury-free and quite clean. That couldn't be said about the console room. Half the console room was covered in honey. "Where did you even get this much honey?" Clara asked

　

"Alien bee farm." the Doctor replied, grimacing at the sticky mess. "I saved them from giant, flesh-eating flying slugs and they insisted on repaying me. With honey."

　

"Did you have to take all of it?" Clara asked.

　

"It seemed like a good idea at the time." the Doctor said defensively.

　

Suddenly, there was the sound of a knock on the TARDIS' door. "I'll get it." Clara sighed.

　

The young mother walked over to the door and opened it. She was immediately greeted by a loud, "Clara!"

　

"Don't touch me, Jack!" Clara held out her hands to keep the man at bay. "we have a bit of a sticky situation in here."

　

Jack waggled his eyebrows and Clara rolled her eyes. "Not _that_ kind of sticky situation, Jack."

　

"Maybe I can help." Jack offered. "I'll need a little something in return."

　

Clara frowned at Jack. Having guessed accurately what was going through the woman's mind, Jack quickly said, "Not _that_ , Clara. Besides, the Doctor would murder me if I tried. No, I want something else. It won't be too much, I swear."

　

"Who is it?" the Doctor called out

　

"It's Jack!" Clara replied. "He's going to help with the mess!"

　

"He'd better not make it worse!" the Doctor groused.

　

"Doc," Jack said sincerely, "I'll just help. I promise, I won't flirt. Much. I'll probably just stare at your ass."

　

"You can look, but don't touch." Clara said with a smirk. "That particular part of the Doctor's anatomy belongs to _me_."

　

"Clara!" the Doctor admonished.

　

"Sorry." Clara sighed. "It just sort of slips out lately."

　

A concerned look appeared on Jack's face. He asked, "Just how long _has_ it been since you and the Doctor last got it on?"

　

"That's not really any of your business." Clara replied with a clear note of annoyance in her voice.

　

"That long, huh?" Jack said sympathetically.

　

"Just shut up and help us clean up this mess if you plan on coming inside." The Doctor groused.

　

Jack nodded and entered the TARDIS, after which Clara shut the door behind him. True to his word, the captain spent two hours helping his friends clean up the honey. When all was said and done, Jack had still managed to stay clean. The Doctor and Clara, however, were absolutely coated with honey. Jack took one look at them and said, "You two look like you could use a shower."

　

"He's right, I suppose." the Doctor said. He then turned to Clara and added, "You can shower first. I'll shower after you. One of us has to keep an eye on John."

　

Jack smiled and said, "Maybe I could keep an eye on John and you two can shower _together_?"

　

The captain finished that sentence with a wink. The Doctor and Clara both looked at Jack with a bit of unease in their eyes. Jack smiled again and said, "Come on, you can trust Uncle Jack. I just want to steal Johnny for a few hours. You two can have some alone time while I'm with him."

　

"Jack..." Clara sighed.

　

"Look, I haven't spent the day with Johnny in a while." Jack said pleadingly. "Just for today. I promise I'll have him back by sunset."

　

The Doctor and Clara looked at each other. They were both silent for a moment before, finally, the Doctor folded his arms over his chest and frowned. Clara sighed and said, "All right, take him. Bedtime is at eight o'clock. Have him back before then."

　

"Got it." Jack replied. "I'll just take him, then."

　

"Not yet." Clara said abruptly. "You need a few things."

　

Clara left and, a few minutes later, returned with a fully packed bag. "At eleven o'clock, John eats his lunch. After that, he takes a nap for one hour. Make sure to play a song from his Alice Cooper CD or he'll never go to sleep. After his nap, he gets to watch _Frozen_ and have a snack. He'll need help putting on his Elsa dress. He has to wear the dress when he sings along to _Let It Go_."

　

Jack gave Clara a funny look and Clara elaborated, "Three-year-old logic. He loves apples, but the slices have to be in multiples of four. After snack time, play one-on-one with him. Supper is at six o' clock. John isn't too picky. He'll eat just about anything as long as it doesn't have fish in it. As long as he doesn't get too messy, bath time can wait until he gets home."

　

Jack took the bag and looked down at the wide, innocent-looking brown eyes of John Smith Oswald. The captain reached down and ruffled the boy's curly brown locks. "You'll have fun with Uncle Jack, won't you, kiddo?" Jack said fondly.

　

"Yep!" John said cheerfully.

　

Clara knelt down to the three-year-old's level and said, "Behave for Uncle Jack, all right, John?"

　

John nodded and said, "Okay, Mummy."

　

Clara stood up and watched Jack lead her son away. She looked at the Doctor, who was also watching the two walk off. The Doctor then looked at Clara. The petite brunette smiled and said, "How do you think he'll manage with John?"

　

The Doctor scoffed and said, "I give him three hours."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

9:30 AM

　

Jack opened the door to his apartment and led John in. The little time tot swept his gaze over what he immediately saw and headed in to explore. Further inside the apartment, a phone began to ring. Jack headed over to answer it. "Hello?"

　

A female voice on the other end cried, "Sugar Bear!"

　

Jack immediately hung up. He turned around to see John, who was watching him with those huge brown eyes of his. Jack smiled at his 'nephew' and said, "So, Johnny, what's on the agenda?"

　

John shrugged and asked, "Can I have sweets?"

　

Jack shook his head and said, "It's too early for sweets, Johnny."

　

"I want sweets!" John insisted

　

"Well, you can't have any." Jack replied.

　

The captain paused for a second to watch John fold his arms over his chest and pout. An idea began to form in Jack's mind. Quickly, he knelt down to John's level and said, "I have a cool idea, Johnny. How about I show you how to make my infamous disappearing chocolate chip cookies?"

　

John grinned and said, "Yes! I love chocolate!"

　

"All right, then." Jack said with a matching grin. "Let's get started."

　

Jack preheated the oven. He then donned a frilly pink apron started assembling the required ingredients for his chocolate chip cookies. He also got out a stand mixer, some bowls, and a few other tools. He slid a chair up to the counter so John could reach. "All right," Jack said, "First we sift the dry ingredients."

　

John nodded and held the sifter over the bowl. As he sifted the dry ingredients, the three-year-old succeeded in getting most of the dry ingredients on himself, the counter, all over Jack, and the floor. John looked at the tiny amount of flour and other things in the bowl and frowned. His lip trembling slightly, he looked up at his Uncle Jack. Jack looked at the bowl and said, "Well, we can always put more in. Do you want me to do it or do you think you can do it?"

　

"I want to do it." John said insistently.

　

John was given a second chance. This time, he got most of it into the bowl. "All right." Jack said as he fitted the stand mixer with a paddle attachment. "Next we cream the butter. Johnny, can you put the butter in the mixer and turn it on?"

　

"Okay." John said.

　

John dumped the butter into the mixer and looked at the buttons with a frown on his face. He then looked down at his feet sadly and mumbled something. Jack wasn't able to catch it. "Speak up, Johnny. I can't hear you." he said.

　

"I can't read." John said sadly.

　

"Oh." Jack said. He mentally smacked himself before pointing at the 'on' button. "This is it."

　

John quickly turned the mixer on and watched the device beat the butter until it was smooth. "Now we add the sugar." Jack instructed.

　

Jack took a scoop of sugar and handed it over to John, who, very slowly and very carefully, put it in the mixer before turning it back on. After a while, the mixture was light and fluffy. "What now?" John asked.

　

"Now we add the eggs," Jack said, "one at a time."

　

Jack took over this one, cracking a few eggs into the still-running mixer. "Now we add the vanilla extract." Jack continued. "John, can you hand me the brown bottle?"

　

"Okay." John said with a smile as he handed the bottle of vanilla extract to his uncle.

　

Jack added a teaspoon and a half of vanilla extract to the mixture. "Is it ready to cook yet?" John asked.

　

"Not yet." Jack replied. "It is time to add half the flour, though."

　

John nodded and, with a great deal of help from Jack, poured half the bowl of flour into the mixer. Once it was mixed together, Jack poured the rest of the flour into the mixer. After it all was mixed together, Jack turned off the mixer and scraped the dough from the batter into the mixing bowl. "Are we going to add the chocolate chips?" John asked.

　

"Yep." Jack said. "It's chocolate time!"

　

Jack opened the package of chocolate chips and allowed John to pour the package into the dough. Then the immortal man folded the chocolate chips into the dough. Then, he got out a couple cookie pans and a pair of miniature ice cream scoops. Jack sprayed the pan with some non-stick spray before showing John how to scoop the dough onto the tray. Together, the two males filled the cookie sheets. Once that was done, Jack put the cookies in the oven. "When are they going to be ready?" John asked.

　

"In about twelve minutes." Jack replied, setting the timer on his oven. "What do you want to do until then?"

　

"Can we play hide and seek?" John asked.

　

"That's fine with me." Jack answered.

　

And so, the most epic game of hide and seek ever to occur between immortal human uncle and time tot nephew in said uncle's apartment took place. For the next twelve minutes, John exhibited superb hiding skills which were only matched by Jack's seeking skills. Of course, Jack deliberately didn't find John a few times. Alas, the fun had to come to an end when the timer went off. Jack removed the cookies from the oven and let them rest for a few minutes before transferring them to a baking rack to cool. "When can we have the cookies?" John asked.

　

"When it's snack time." Jack replied. "Now I need to get started on your lunch."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

11:00 AM

　

One bath later, John was sitting at the table in his booster seat when Jack set the boy's plate down in front of him. John poked at it with his fork and asked, "What is it?"

　

"It's Uncle Jack's famous mac 'n cheese and southern-style fried chicken." Jack replied. "With glazed carrots."

　

John wrinkled his nose at the veggies and said, "I hate carrots."

　

Jack groaned internally. Clara had told him that John only hated fish. Had she neglected to tell him something? Jack ate his own food, periodically glancing at John to monitor his progress. The time tot was digging into his mac 'n cheese and his chicken with gusto. He nearly cleared his plate. All that was left was the carrots. "Johnny, eat your carrots." Jack instructed.

　

"No." John said as he folded his arms over his chest.

　

"Just eat them. They're not going to bite." Jack said, trying a bit of humor.

　

"On Zelvan VII, carrots _do_ bite." John informed his uncle.

　

"Well, these are ordinary Earth carrots." Jack said with a smile. "No alien gene splicing or anything."

　

"I don't like carrots." John insisted.

　

"John, just eat your carrots." Jack said with a frown.

　

"No." John said, pouting.

　

"John, eat your carrots." Jack said firmly.

　

"No!" John snapped.

　

"You're not getting up until there aren't any more carrots at the table." Jack said, deciding to put his foot down.

　

John pouted for a second before an idea ran through his head. He placed his hand on the edge of his plate and started sliding it towards the edge of the table. Jack, quickly catching on, said, "Don't even think about it."

　

John slid the plate further and Jack said with a deep frown, "Don't you dare."

　

With an innocent yet defiant look on his face, the three-year-old pushed the plate off of the table. It broke in half upon hitting the floor. "Damn it, John!" Jack barked.

　

"No more carrots on the table." John said with an innocent-looking smile.

　

"You are going to the time-out corner." Jack said, picking John up from where he sat and carrying him away.

　

John kicked and struggled and screamed, but Jack did not relent. He carried John over to a corner in the room and placed him there. "You are staying there for three minutes to think about what you've done." Jack said firmly.

　

"I don't want to!" John whined.

　

"John Smith Oswald..." Jack said warningly.

　

His full name. John pouted and stood in the corner, facing the wall. He stewed over it for three minutes. He did start to feel bad after a while. He had promised that he would be good for Uncle Jack. When the three minutes were up, Jack returned to John and knelt down at his level. "John, look at me." Jack instructed.

　

John obediently turned around to face his uncle. Jack kept his voice calm and even as he said, "Now, I'd like you to apologize for breaking my plate and making a mess."

　

John's huge brown eyes focused on Jack. The three-year-old quietly said, "I'm sorry, Uncle Jack."

　

Jack reached over and gave the boy a hug. He then backed away a bit and said, "All right, then. You're forgiven. You're still going to have to eat some carrots, though."

　

John pouted and folded his arms over his chest. "Do I have to?" he whined.

　

"Yes." Jack replied.

　

John sighed and headed back over to the table. He climbed back up into his booster seat and watched Jack set another serving of carrots in front of him. John eyed the carrots balefully. Jack smiled at his nephew and said, "Just eat three good-sized big-boy bites. After you've had three big-boy bites, you can get down from the table."

　

John nodded and picked up his fork. He stabbed a few carrots before scooping them into his mouth. A look of disgust formed on his face as he chewed on the reviled vegetables. He then swallowed and repeated the action twice more. He looked at Jack and said, "I had three big-boy bites."

　

"All right, then." Jack replied. "I'll clean up and do the dishes. You can play that, er, _football_ game on the Xbox One."

　

John nodded and headed into the living room to play the game. Jack sighed and started putting the food away. As he packed up the last of the food, the captain muttered under his breath, " _Kids_."

　

oooooooooooooooooooo

　

12:30 PM

　

It was halfway through John's nap and Jack was in the recliner, having nodded off for a bit. Suddenly, he was woken up by the sound of a crash in the kitchen. Bolting upright, he dashed into the kitchen to see what was the matter. Sitting on the counter was John, with a screwdriver in his hand. In front of him were parts to Jack's disassembled blender. The glass part of the blender was shattered on the kitchen floor. His big, brown eyes showing no ill intent, John said innocently, "I wanted to see how it worked."

　

"You wanted to see how it worked?" Jack deadpanned.

　

"Uh-huh." John replied, nodding his head.

　

Jack groaned and smacked himself in the forehead. He should have expected this from the Doctor's offspring. Jack grabbed a broom and dust pan and started sweeping up the glass before throwing it away. With the ground safe, the captain picked John up and set him down on the floor. Jack then pointed at the corner and said, "Time-out corner. Three minutes. Now."

　

John pouted and said, "Fine!"

　

Three minutes later, Jack explained to John that it wasn't nice to take other people's things apart with a screwdriver. With the lesson hopefully learned, Jack sent John back to the sofa to take a nap. Jack sighed. This was harder than he had thought it would be.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooo

　

1:50 PM

　

It was a bit into _Frozen_ and it had finally reached _Let It Go_. John was sitting in front of the television in his Elsa dress, singing along to the song in his soft child's voice. Jack sat next to the boy on the couch, watching the movie with a smile on his face. Since the movie had started, John had barely budged. He was incredibly well-behaved at the moment, watching the movie and quietly eating his cookies and milk. Jack was very pleased with this. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. John sat up straight and said. "I'll get it!"

　

"No, _I'll_ get it."Jack replied. "You stay here and watch _Frozen_."

　

John sighed and turned to watch the movie once more. Jack headed over to the door and opened it. "Hello, I-"

　

"Sugar Bear!"

　

Jack's eyes opened wide, horror-struck at the sight in front of him. Standing outside his apartment was a platinum blonde woman with sapphire eyes and very large breasts- probably fake, knowing her. Jack forced a smile and said, "Debbie. Hi."

　

"I tried to call, Sugar Bear, but you accidentally hung up." Debbie said, her ruby red lips pursed.

　

"I-" Jack tried to talk to her, but the woman interrupted him.

　

"Aren't you going to invite me in?" Debbie asked.

　

"Now might not be a good time." Jack replied. "I'm watching my three-year-old nephew and-"

　

"Ooh, I _love_ babies!" Debbie cooed.

　

The woman forced her way past a helpless Jack and headed into the living room. When she saw the curly-haired child in a dress, Debbie frowned and said, "I thought you said that your nephew was here."

　

"That is my nephew." Jack said, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

　

"Why is he wearing a dress?" Debbie asked.

　

"He needs to wear his Elsa dress to watch _Frozen_." Jack answered.

　

"Why?" Debbie asked.

　

"Three-year-old logic." Jack explained. "I don't know how his mind works. I just know that he likes it."

　

John turned to look at Debbie and smiled. "Hi. I'm John Smith Oswald." the boy introduced himself. "No hyphen."

　

"His middle name is _Smith_?" Debbie questioned before adding, "That's stupid."

　

"Is not." John grumbled under his breath, but Debbie didn't seem to hear him.

　

When the little boy noticed the expression of utter frustration on Jack's face, he asked, "Uncle Jack, are you okay?"

　

"I'm fine." Jack replied. "I just need to go into the kitchen for a second to think."

　

John nodded and watched his uncle walk away. When he was in the kitchen, Jack walked up to the wall and hit his forehead against it repeatedly. With every hit, Jack hissed, "Damn!"

　

Once he had gotten all of the damns out of his system, he walked to the doorway to look into the living room. Debbie was sitting next to John. "What are you eating?" she asked.

　

"Milk 'n Uncle Jack's infamous disappearing chocolate chip cookies." John replied.

　

"Oh." Debbie said, looking at the cookies as if they were something disgusting. "You shouldn't eat those."

　

"Why not?" the innocent John asked.

　

"You'll get fat." Debbie answered.

　

"No, I won't." John replied. "The Doctor says that I have a fast _metabanism_."

　

"Yes, you will." Debbie insisted in a concerned manner. "You'll get super fat and no one will love you. No one loves a fatty-fat-fat face."

　

John's face fell and he looked like he was about to cry. "No one?" he whimpered.

　

"No one." Debbie confirmed. "You're already at risk. I mean, look at how chubby you are."

　

Jack scowled. His nephew wasn't chubby. Sure, he had a bit of baby fat, but he wasn't chubby. Jack cleared his throat, causing John and Debbie to turn to look at him. Jack frowned and said, "Debbie, may I have a word with you in the kitchen?"

　

"All right." Debbie replied.

　

Jack sighed and looked at John. "Hey, Johnny." the captain said. "Are you enjoying your cookies? You did such a good job helping make them."

　

John smiled a little and nodded. "Can I keep eating them?" he asked.

　

"Sure." Jack replied. "I'll just talk to Miss Debbie in the kitchen."

　

John nodded and returned his attention to the movie. Jack led Debbie into the kitchen. Once they were out of the three-year-old's attention range, Jack turned to Debbie and asked, "Were you really just body-shaming a _three-year-old_?"

　

"It wasn't _body-shaming_ , silly! Somebody needs to talk to him about child obesity." Debbie said innocently, without the slightest trace of malice.

　

"I don't think we'll have to worry about that with John." Jack responded. "The kid has a crazy-high metabolism. He'll probably be hungry again in ten minutes."

　

Debbie smiled and said, "Okay, Sugar Bear. If you think that it's right."

　

Jack groaned and said, "Debbie, don't call me that."

　

"You're silly." Debbie giggled, booping Jack on the nose.

　

Jack groaned as Debbie walked back into the living room. Suddenly, a woman's scream sounded. Jack hurried into the living room. Debbie was livid and horrified. When Jack saw what she was looking at, he burst into laughter. John was sitting there, innocent as can be, next to Debbie's open purse. The three-year-old had Debbie's compact in hand and was happily applying blush to his face. He already had an excessive amount of red lipstick on his face in addition to some green eyeshadow and sloppily-applied mascara. The time tot turned to the two adults and asked, "Do I look pretty?"

　

Debbie turned to Jack and asked, "Aren't you going to do something?"

　

Jack tried to stop to talk but the pause didn't last. He looked at John and once again burst into laughter. It took him a moment to gain control of himself, but Jack was finally able to reply, "You look very pretty, Johnny."

　

"He's wearing my makeup!" Debbie hissed. "Do something!"

　

Jack was barely able to keep a straight face as he looked Directly at John and said, "Johnny, it's not nice to use other people's makeup without asking."

　

"Time-out corner?" John asked.

　

Jack thought about it for a second before shaking his head and answering, "Nah. Just finish your cookies, Johnny."

　

John smiled at his uncle before returning his attention to his snack. Debbie turned to Jack and asked, "Why didn't you punish him?"

　

"Kids will be kids." Jack said with a shrug.

　

"What if he turns into a girly man?" Debbie asked.

　

"He probably won't." Jack replied. "I tried my mother's makeup on when I was a little boy and I grew up to be a manly man."

　

A manly man who sometimes sleeps with other men, Jack thought humorously. Debbie smiled and said, "If you insist, Sugar Bear. How about I stay for dinner?"

　

Jack was about to say no when an idea suddenly formed in his head. With a plan in mind, the captain smiled and said, "That would be wonderful."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooo

　

6:00 PM

　

Jack whistled merrily as he set the plates down on the table. It was good, old fashioned spaghetti and meatballs. John looked overjoyed but Debbie looked skeptical. "That's a lot of spaghetti." the woman said with a frown. "I don't want to get fat."

　

"You'll be fine, Debbie." Jack sighed. He reached over and grabbed a pair of wine glasses. "How about some wine?"

　

"Wine is good." Debbie said with a smile, accepting the glass of red wine.

　

"I want some!" John cried.

　

Jack rolled his eyes and walked over to the fridge. He took out a bottle of grape juice and poured some into a wine glass. He then handed it to the excited three-year-old. John happily sipped his 'wine' and ate his spaghetti. Debbie quickly downed her wine before turning her attention to her spaghetti. After a few minutes, the platinum blonde smiled and said, "This is actually pretty goo-"

　

Suddenly, Debbie's head fell forward into the spaghetti. John looked alarmed until Debbie began to snore. Jack pulled Debbie's head out of the spaghetti and pulled her chair back. "What happened?" John asked.

　

"Uncle Jack did a naughty thing." Jack replied.

　

"Why is she sleeping?" John inquired innocently.

　

"John, _do not ever_ drug a woman." Jack instructed.

　

The captain wanted to get Debbie's unconscious body as far away from his home as he could. Still, he thought as he glanced at John, he couldn't leave John alone. Jack sighed and said, "Come on, Johnny. Follow me to the car."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

8:00 PM

　

Jack had driven as far as he could in two hours before finally stopping. He opened the door and picked up the still-unconscious Debbie. He briefly searched for a place to set her before finally dropping her unceremoniously into a large pile of garbage. He then returned to the car to look at an alert John, who was sitting in a car seat. "Let us never speak of this." Jack instructed.

　

John nodded and asked, "Is it time to go home?"

　

"Yep." Jack replied. "It's time to take you back to your mother and father."

　

"Okay." John said with a smile.

　

Jack got back into the car and started it back up. He spent the next two and a half hours driving until finally he was near the area where the TARDIS was parked. John was about to knock on the door when the ship suddenly opened the door herself. With John's hand in his, Jack walked in. The Doctor and Clara were waiting impatiently for their return. Jack noted to his amusement that the Doctor had a hickey on his neck. "I have brought your beloved time tot back." Jack announced.

　

The Doctor seemed surprised that Jack was only slightly messy. Clara walked over to John and scooped him up. "Did you have fun with your Uncle Jack?" she asked.

　

"Yep!" John replied cheerfully. "Want to know what happened?"

　

"Sure." Clara said with a smile.

　

Jack glanced over at the loving scene in front of him before turning and leaving. Just as he was about to exit the time machine, he heard Clara's enraged voice bellow, "JAAAACK! YOU MADE MY SON AN ACCESSORY TO KIDNAPPING!"

　

Jack could not recall many times when he had run faster from a woman.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

　

**Title: What To Inspect When You're Expecting**

**Rating: Explicit**

**Summary: Otherwise known as How To Drive A Pregnant Clara Crazy.**

**Takes Place during weeks 7 and 8 of _Unplanned_.**

　

　

Friday, Week 7

　

Being pregnant was something that still took a bit of getting used to, Clara decided. Normally she wouldn't be afraid, but after Wednesday's fiasco, she would have to make sure to ask the Doctor to make absolutely sure that the planet had no large and/or aggressive predators. She really didn't want to get eaten by something like the cysts of the Thurviglian Jorthax, especially not now that she was pregnant. Clara let out a sigh. She was tired after having spent all night grading tests. The Doctor was currently in her flat, having collapsed from exhaustion. He hadn't slept in a while. As it was, Clara could use a cup of coffee. She set a pot on and the aroma of coffee filled her flat. Once the coffee was ready, Clara was about to pour herself a cup when a familiar voice spoke up from behind her. "Don't even think about it."

　

The Doctor reached around Clara, grabbed the pot of coffee, and dumped it down the drain. Clara glared at him and groaned, "Doctor, what was that for?"

　

"No caffeine for you." the Doctor instructed firmly. "Not while you're pregnant."

　

"Fine." Clara sighed before pointing away from the kitchen. "Out!"

　

"No caffeine." the Doctor repeated for emphasis.

　

"I won't drink any coffee!" Clara snapped. "Just let me fix my breakfast!"

　

The Doctor watched Clara for a second before turning around to leave. Clara sighed once more and started retrieving ingredients from her refrigerator. Soon she was cooking eggs, over easy. While multi-tasking, she was also creating some hollandaise sauce. When she was done, she poured it over her eggs on the plate. She was reaching for it with her fork when suddenly, the plate was snatched away from her. "No raw or undercooked eggs." the Doctor insisted.

　

Clara groaned as the Doctor scraped the food into the rubbish bin. The human female grumbled under her breath as she retrieved a carton of orange juice, some kale, and a few fruits. As Clara carried the fruits over to the sink, the Doctor said, "Make sure to wash that produce thoroughly."

　

"I am!" Clara snapped as she began washing the fruits and kale. Once the fruits and kale were clean, she made sure to peel and pit the fruits before placing them in her blender with the kale and a bit of orange juice. She ran them through the blender until it was smooth. She then poured herself a glass. She glanced over at the Doctor, who nodded approvingly. Clara sighed and drank the vivid green smoothie. This was going to be a long, frustrating pregnancy with the Doctor involved.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

Week 7, Saturday

　

As it was with her pregnancy, Clara was feeling a strong craving. This time, it was chips. So, she made her way down to the nearest place where she could get chips. She ordered a big box. When she sat down at a nearby table, she let out a soft moan at the enticing smell of the fried potatoes. This was a long time coming and for some reason she was always craving chips. There was nothing she could do other than get chips when the cravings came. Removing a chip from the box, she was about to pop it into her mouth when a voice suddenly sounded from behind her, causing her to jump a bit. It was the Doctor, who had said, "You shouldn't be eating those things. They're unhealthy for you."

　

Clara groaned and asked, "How come you can eat them and I can't?"

　

"I have a different metabolism." the Doctor replied.

　

"They're not going to kill me or hurt the baby, Doctor." Clara said with a frown.

　

"As the father of your child, it would be remiss of me to not ensure that you eat healthier food." the Doctor said insistently.

　

Clara glared at the Doctor and slid the box of chips away. Well, that was money wasted.

　

ooooooooooooooooooooo

　

Sunday, Week 8

　

Clara walked into the new restaurant, Little Chicago. The partner of her good friend Amelia Hernandez, Pavarti Patil, had recommended it. The place served American food, namely from the city of Chicago. Amelia was always going on about Chicago food and Clara had decided to try it. The woman at the front desk assigned Clara a seat and the impossible girl immediately headed to the seat to sit down and read the menu. A few minutes later, a lovely Asian woman walked up to her table and said, "Hello, my name is Aiko. I'll be your server. What would you like today?"

　

"I'll have a Coca Cola and a Chicago Dog." Clara replied. Amelia had mentioned Chicago Dogs and Clara was eager to try one.

　

Once again, the sneaky Doctor's voice sounded from the booth behind her. "She'll have a water and a hamburger, well done."

　

Clara groaned, "Doctor!"

　

"No hot dogs while you're pregnant." the Doctor instructed. "It could be full of _Listeria_ bacteria. I'll not have you catch listeriosis."

　

Clara thought about it for a while before saying, "I'll have what he said."

　

Aiko smiled and took the menu. "Your burger will be ready in a few minutes."

　

The server then left. While she was waiting for her burger, Clara glared venomously at the Doctor.

　

ooooooooooooooooooo

　

Monday, Week 8

　

Clara was getting seriously tired of the Doctor interfering with her diet during her pregnancy. So, Clara decided to do some research on what to eat and what not to eat while she was pregnant. She realized to her annoyance that the Doctor had been right. She had been about to eat foods that were bad for the baby. That was why she was currently fixing something healthy: lentils with mango chutney, quinoa, and steamed spinach. Even the Doctor would approve of that. The food smelled good. Clara was rather pleased with herself. Suddenly, she was aware of the wheezing, grinding sound of the TARDIS materializing in her flat. This time, Clara was ready. She turned around with her plate of food in hand and waited for the Doctor to exit the time machine. When he was in sight, Clara said coolly, "Hello, Doctor."

　

The Doctor sniffed the air and said, "Lentils? What else is it?"

　

"Mango chutney, quinoa, and steamed spinach." Clara replied.

　

"You had better not have put anything unhealthy in it." the Doctor said with a frown. "You have a history of trying to fill yourself with things that could negatively affect the, er..."

　

"The baby." Clara finished the Doctor's sentence. "It's fine."

　

"Are you absolutely sure?" the Doctor asked. "Maybe I should taste it."

　

Clara frowned at the Doctor and shifted her plate to just one hand. She then lifted her hand into plain sight and formed her fingers into a very rude hand gesture. The Doctor smirked and said, "I hope you remember that you're going to be someone's mother in eight months."

　

"Get out." Clara snapped. "You can visit me on Wednesday. You're stifling me! Try visiting me every _other_ day instead of stalking me!"

　

"I'm not stalking you." the Doctor said with a frown. "I'm just trying to prevent you from-"

　

"I'll eat healthy!" Clara snapped. "I did my research, now _go_!"

　

The Doctor frowned. Suddenly, he lunged forward and dipped his finger into Clara's plate, tasting the food. A surprised look appeared on his face. "It _is_ safe." He murmured.

　

Clara pointed at the TARDIS and angrily said, " _Out_!"

　

The Doctor gave Clara a lingering glance before finally leaving. Clara let out a sigh. She hoped that the Doctor would indeed stop following her around. The man was completely and utterly paranoid.

　

ooooooooooooooo

　

Wednesday, Week 8

　

Clara let out a sigh and leaned back into the sofa. She opened her book and flipped to the page on which she had last left off. This was the book that she had been reading the second time the Doctor had shown up, drugged out of his mind, and seduced her. Her face reddened a little at the heated memory. Speaking of the Doctor seducing her, he hadn't touched her since he had found out that she was pregnant. Clara let out a puff of air. Just because she was pregnant didn't mean that she was made out of sugar. She had needs- needs that weren't being met. Clara was frustrated in more than one way. She sighed and returned her attention back to her book. It was a romance. Romance was also something she was lacking in her life. For the time being, she was fine with that. Every time she tried dating, something went wrong. Danny had died. After Clara had started dating James, the Doctor had seduced her. Clara felt guilty about it, so she thought it would be the best thing to break up with James before he found out that she had cheated on him. She didn't know if he knew. He hadn't shown any sign of knowing at Alicia's wedding. He definitely didn't know that she was pregnant. The people at Clara's work knew that she was pregnant and her students had figured it out. Most of her friends had figured out that she was pregnant. The only people she knew, aside from James, who didn't know about her pregnancy were her family. Clara paused her reading and bit her lip nervously. She would have to tell them sooner or later. She would also have to tell them that the Doctor wasn't, in fact, James. She wasn't sure how well that would go over. All she knew was that she could expect drama.

　

A wheezing, grinding sound filled Clara's flat. The petite brunette marked her page, sat up, and set the book back down on the low table in front of her sofa. Almost immediately after the TARDIS had finished materializing, the door swung open and the Doctor popped his head out. "Clara!" He said. "I have something to show you."

　

Not budging from her spot on the sofa, Clara asked, "What is it?"

　

"You're still getting sick all day, every day, aren't you?" The Doctor asked.

　

"Of course I am." Clara said flatly. "Sometimes it feels like this baby doesn't want me to eat normal food."

　

"I've been to Milar III and-" the Doctor ducked back into the TARDIS for a minute or so before emerging with a small box. "-they have a remedy for morning sickness. Or daytime sickness, considering your vomiting isn't limited to mornings. Is it at night, too?"

　

Clara raised a hand and smacked her forehead. "Doctor, just tell me- does it work on humans?"

　

"I'm ninety-nine-point-seven-six percent certain that it will be safe for you." the Doctor replied.

　

"Good." Clara said. "Though I almost expected you to be worried about the remaining point-two-four percent."

　

The Doctor paused, seeming to think this over. Clara rolled her eyes and said, "Doctor, calm down. It's probably safe. I'll take the medicine."

　

Clara stood up and walked over to the Doctor. She tried to take it from him, but he was holding it pretty securely. It took Clara a few tugs to yank it free. She opened the box and saw several bottles of pills. She took one out and read the instructions. "Take one pill daily with food." Clara read out loud.

　

She immediately headed to her kitchen and took a few strawberries out of her refrigerator. She ate some of the fruit before popping a pill into her mouth and swallowing it down with some water. She looked back into the living room to see the Doctor just standing there. Finally, he asked, "What else do you need?"

　

Clara thought about it for a split second before she realized it: she knew what she wanted. Like any other woman, she had needs. Pregnant or not, she was going to have those needs fulfilled. She marched over to the Doctor, grabbed him by the front of his coat, and yanked him down to crush her mouth against his. Clara practically forced her tongue down his throat before withdrawing and backing away a little. A heated expression on her face, she said in a sultry tone, "I think you know what I need."

　

"Oh." the Doctor said. He then smirked and, in an amused tone, asked, "Is that all?"

　

"I have needs, you know." Clara informed the Doctor. "Womanly needs."

　

"Well, far be it from me to _deny_ those needs." the Doctor replied, his own voice lowering a bit.

　

"Well, it's high time that you attend to those needs, then." Clara said with a sultry smile.

　

With that, Clara pushed the Doctor down onto the sofa and straddled his lap. Once more, her mouth was on his. After several minutes of desperate kissing, the Doctor ran his hands down Clara's sides before resting them on her hips. Clara ground herself against the Doctor's groin, causing him to buck his hips up into her. Clara could feel him hardening under his trousers. She continued to grind against him until both of them grew terribly unsatisfied with the friction. Suddenly, the Doctor flipped them over until Clara was lying on the couch and he was on top of her. The Doctor leaned down and began to nibble at Clara's neck before settling on her pulse point and suckling at it. It would leave a mark and that thrilled the Doctor. Clara could only moan at the sensation. Then the two set about removing their clothes until finally they were both clad only in their underwear. When Clara noticed that the Doctor was wearing superhero underpants, she couldn't help but giggle. The Time Lord gave the human a mock glare before setting about removing her bra. Once that was done, he kissed his way down her body before settling at her breast. He sucked a nipple into his mouth, playing with it with his teeth and tongue before releasing it with one last nip. All the while, Clara was panting and holding his head to her breast. The Doctor repeated the action with his companion's other breast before moving down her body further. Clara watched as the Time Lord slid her knickers down her legs before tossing them carelessly over the back of the sofa. He then slung her legs over his shoulders and lowered his head between Clara's legs. When she felt his tongue, she murmured, "Oh, yes."

　

The Doctor expertly pleasured Clara with his mouth, bringing her close but never quite taking her there. Clara was moaning with pleasure and frustration. When the Doctor stopped, Clara looked down at him. He smiled at her before slipping off and tossing away his own underpants. He then crawled back across the sofa until he was on top of Clara once more. The human female brought a hand up to caress the Time Lord's cheek before pulling him down for another kiss. The kiss was slow, tender, almost loving. That was impossible, though, since there were no romantic feelings between them. Once their lips separated, the Doctor pushed himself into Clara's tight, wet heat. Clara let out a loud gasp and the Doctor let out a moan that sounded like it might have been her name. He just lay there, enveloped in her until finally she decided that she wanted him to move. The Doctor, of course, obliged. Clara's flat was filled with gasps, moans, and the sounds of flesh meeting flesh. She was moaning loudly and the Doctor was even louder as they coupled on the sofa. When one thrust hit particularly deep, Clara let out a loud cry. The Doctor stopped for a moment, about to ask Clara if he had done something wrong but the woman grabbed him by the rear and panted, "Don't stop!"

　

The Doctor resumed his movement and Clara met him thrust for thrust. He could tell that she was getting close. He increased his pace, bent on taking her to there. With one last thrust, the Doctor felt Clara tighten around him as she came with a cry. He followed not long afterwards, emptying into her with a groan of her name. They both lay there, panting, as the Doctor withdrew his softening length from Clara. He adjusted their position until Clara was on top of him. "That was," Clara said with a pleased smile, "fun."

　

"Just fun?" the Doctor questioned, raising a brow.

　

"Well, we could have more fun. I'll still need my womanly needs met again later tonight." Clara said teasingly.

　

"Bossy." the Doctor said teasingly.

　

Clara let out a chuckle and replied, "You know it."

　

And so, they spent the rest of the night fucking on the sofa. It was nearly five in the morning when they finally decided to stop. Clara let out a content sigh as she lay her head against the Doctor's chest. The impossible girl was quiet for a while but eventually said, "Doctor?"

　

"Hmm?" the Doctor replied quietly.

　

Clara nuzzled the Time Lord's chest before looking up at him. With a faint smile on her face, Clara said, "I need chips and pickles."

　

"What- _now_?" the Doctor questioned, pushing Clara off of his lap.

　

"Yes, now." Clara replied.

　

The Time Lord ran a hand through his hair before saying, "You're not going to let up on this, are you."

　

"Nope." Clara replied. "Now get me some chips and pickles."

　

"Bossy." the Doctor snorted as he began to put his clothes back on.

　

"You know it." Clara said with a smile.

　

Clara went to her bedroom to put on some new clothes. As she dressed herself, she heard the sound of the TARDIS dematerializing. Clara then headed back over to the sofa and sat down, waiting hopefully for the Doctor to return. When he finally did, he did indeed have chips and pickles. He handed them over to Clara, who smiled sweetly and said, "Thank you, Doctor."

　

"I'll have you know that this is very unhealthy." the Doctor grumbled.

　

"Oh, shut up." Clara sighed.

　

Clara ate a few chips before taking a bite out of a pickle. She then pulled a face as chewed and swallowed it. The then addressed the Time Lord. "Doctor?"

　

"What is it now?" the Doctor groaned.

　

"You got the wrong pickles." Clara said with heavy irritation in her voice.

　

The Doctor brought his palm to his face with a soft smack. This was going to be a long, frustrating pregnancy.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

**Title: Open Mouth And Insert Foot**

**Rating: Explicit**

**Summary: After hearing something from James that triggers one of his insecurities, the Doctor says something stupid to Clara. Looks like someone is going to have to sleep on the sofa.**

**Takes place the first Valentine's Day after _Unplanned_**

　

Clara rolled off of the Doctor, thoroughly sated, with a huge grin on her face. When the Doctor saw the expression on her face, he felt inordinately pleased with himself. Once again, intimacy had led to a favorable conclusion for both himself and Clara. He had pleased Clara and that had pleased him. By all the forces in the universe, had it pleased him. Sometimes he worried that he wouldn't be able to please her, but he was always able to please her in the end. It was a good thing, too. He didn't think that he would be able to get off unless he could make Clara orgasm. He had accomplished it, of course, which caused him to roll over a bit until he was looking at Clara. "Enjoy yourself?" he said with a smirk.

　

"It was okay." Clara replied with a dismissive wave of her hand.

　

"Just okay?" the Doctor questioned, raising a prominent eyebrow.

　

"What am I supposed to say, 'Oh Doctor, you're so amazing and having you inside me is the best thing ever to happen to me'?" Clara questioned, clearly trying to hold back a wry smirk of her own.

　

"I wouldn't argue with that." the Doctor replied, still smirking.

　

Clara laughed and gave the Doctor a gentle swat on the arm. "You are so full of it!" she said as she rolled her eyes.

　

"Full of what?" the Doctor questioned.

　

"It's an expression." Clara said with an exasperated sigh.

　

Ah yes, an expression. One of those things that occasionally went over the Doctor's head, so to speak. At least he was aware of that one. "Meaning?" the Time Lord questioned.

　

"It means that you have a big ego." Clara explained.

　

"It's not that big." the Doctor mumbled.

　

"Doctor," Clara deadpanned, "If your ego was any bigger, it would take up too much room for the TARDIS to materialize."

　

The Doctor was about to correct Clara when she said, "Not literally, but the fact remains that you can be pretty arrogant."

　

"I'm not arrogant." the Doctor corrected her. "I'm justifiably confident."

　

"Admit it." Clara insisted. "You have a big eg-"

　

The Doctor decided to shut Clara up by pulling her to him and mashing his lips against hers. Clara let out a soft moan, giving the Doctor a very distinct thrill. When they separated, Clara let out a giggle. The Doctor furrowed his brows and was about to ask what she was laughing about. Clara stopped him by pulling him down to her and kissing him again. Thanks to his Time Lord recuperative abilities, the Doctor was hard again. When he leaned down to nip Clara's neck, she giggled again before pulling the sheets over them. It was time for round two.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooo

　

The Doctor was performing some repairs on part of the TARDIS. He was crouched down, a small torch held between his teeth as he worked on the parts of the machine he was focused on. Using the torch's light to illuminate the space he was about to stick his hand into, he reached in and connected two wires. He then flipped a switch and the lights in that particular corridor finally came back on. The Time Lord's knees and back creaked as he stood up. They were stiff after the Doctor was crouched for so long. Damn this old body and its noises. He rubbed his sore lower back before turning to head back into the console room. When he arrived, he saw that Clara was using one hand to secure John on her hip and the other to hold the phone. "-and I'll make sure he goes." Clara said. "Good bye."

　

"Who was it?" the Doctor asked.

　

"It was Jack." Clara said calmly. "He needed your help with something."

　

The Doctor groaned and asked, "What has the idiot gotten himself into this time?"

　

"He wouldn't say." Clara replied. "He just says that he needs you to meet him," the petite brunette pointed at a map projected by the TARDIS, "Here. It's of vital importance."

　

The Doctor nodded and headed over to the console. He began to pull switches and push buttons, relocating the TARDIS to the location. As the Doctor opened the door, he looked back at Clara and asked, "Aren't you coming?"

　

"No." Clara shook her head. "It'll be John's bedtime soon. You can handle it without me, can't you?"

　

"Of course I can." the Doctor snorted.

　

"I hope Jack is going to be okay." Clara said, her expression one of concern.

　

The Doctor took in his companion's expression before nodding and walking out the TARDIS' door, closing it behind him. He hurried towards the place where Jack's location had been marked at. He navigated the block of flats before heading into a building and searching for the address indicated. Before he could check to see if the door was locked or not, it was flung open. Standing directly inside was Jack Harkness, who had an unreadable excited expression on his face. "Doc!" Jack exclaimed. "I need you to see this!"

　

"Let me in, then." the Doctor snapped, pushing his way past Jack.

　

The Doctor thought he heard Jack lock the door behind him. Suddenly, he felt Jack smack his behind. The Doctor whirled around and barked, " _Jack_!"

　

"Couldn't resist!" Jack said with a grin.

　

"We will discuss this when your problem is dealt with." The Doctor growled. "Do _not_ do that again!"

　

"Scout's honor." Jack said, a look of complete innocence forming on his face.

　

Suddenly, another male voice called out, "Is he here yet?"

　

The Doctor tried to place the voice. He swore that he'd heard it before. Jack called out, "Yeah, he's here!"

　

Jack grabbed the Doctor by the wrist and dragged him into another room. In the living room was a couple of human males, both of whom had a beer in one hand. One of them, a ginger who was about the Doctor's height, was immediately identified. It was Clara's ex-boyfriend, James. The Doctor looked at Jack suspiciously and asked with a great deal of annoyance in his voice, "Jack, what is this?"

　

"This, Doctor," Jack replied, "Is what is supposed to be James' stag party."

　

"Why am _I_ at his stag party?" the Doctor asked with a scowl.

　

"He didn't have many people coming." Jack replied with a shrug. "He said that I could bring a friend along."

　

"I'm leaving." the Doctor said, turning around and heading towards the exit.

　

"You can't." Jack called out to the Doctor. "The door is locked and the lock needs fixed."

　

The Doctor reached into his pocket to pull out his sonic screwdriver only to find that it was not there. He heard Jack clear his throat and spun around to look at him. Jack had an innocent smile on his face as he tossed the Doctor's sonic screwdriver up into the air, caught it, and pocketed it. "You can have it back later." Jack said sweetly.

　

The Doctor glared venomously at Jack, but the captain was unaffected. "Come on, Dock." Jack said with a smile. "Stay a while. Play a few drinking games. I'll give you your sonic back when you've loosened up a bit."

　

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest and grumbled under his breath as he followed Jack into the living room. The Time Lord poured himself some whiskey. He then sat down in a bean bag chair before taking the first of what would be one of many drinks that night.

　

Several hours later, everyone including the Doctor was fairly intoxicated. James waved his beer around and sad, "You know what, Doctor? I don't even need Clara. I've got my fiancée. I can shag her any time."

　

"You're just jealous." The Doctor slurred. "'Cause Clara is better."

　

"I tapped that long before you did." James argued drunkenly.

　

"I did it better." the Doctor shot back. "I get her off," he stopped to pour another drink down his throat. "every time. Compared to me, you are like a fumbling teenager groping his girlfriend in the back of his parents' car."

　

" _You_ get _her_ off?" John snorted. "Please. With someone _your_ age, Clara probably fakes it."

　

That was a bit of a sore spot for the Doctor. Though generally confident in his ability, deep down he always worried that he might not be able to please Clara for whatever reason. Jack, seeing that things were going bad, decided to lighten things up. "Gentleman, please." Jack said with a laugh. "If anyone can get a woman off better than anyone else, it's _me_."

　

"Maybe they fake it." James said jokingly. "Like Clara does with the Doctor."

　

"She does not fake it." the Doctor insisted.

　

"This is Clara Oswald that we're talking about." James said as he reclined into his bean bag chair. "She admitted that she did it for me once, to make me feel better. Clara is an _expert_ at faking it."

　

"She doesn't fake it." the heavily intoxicated Doctor argued. He then stood up and said, "I'll _prove_ it."

　

"You go, Doc." Jack said with a grin. He then handed the Doctor's sonic screwdriver over. With that done, he watched the Time Lord stagger away.

　

The Doctor opened the TARDIS' door and walked in, closing it as quietly as a drunk man could. He made his way to his bedroom to show Clara what was what. He saw her lying in bed, reading a book. He plopped down next to her and was about to begin his seduction when, suddenly, his head fell down onto the pillow and he was out like a light.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

A few days later, the Doctor was thinking about James' words, words which had triggered one of his deep-seated insecurities. He hadn't had much alone time with Clara with Jack staying in the TARDIS again, using the bedroom for sleeping purposes. The Doctor was still very worried about not being able to please Clara. So, he decided, that night, he would please her like never before. When she did show up, the Doctor made sure to lay down in the most seductive manner possible. "Hello, Clara." He purred.

　

"Why, Doctor," Clara said teasingly, "Are you going to seduce me?"

　

"Maybe." the Doctor replied with a seductive smile. "Do you want to be seduced?"

　

"Maybe." Clara said back. She climbed into bed and laid down next to him. "It sounds like fun."

　

The Doctor gave another seductive smirk before pouncing on Clara. She gave an excited squeal before the Doctor mashed his mouth against hers. He groaned when Clara buried her fingers in his grey curls and dragged her nails softly over his scalp. The Doctor reached under Clara's dress and pinched her cheeks, causing her to gasp in surprise. He kneaded her buttocks, pulling her flush against him. Suddenly, James' words came unbidden to the Doctor's mind. Clara faking it. The Doctor shook his head and returned to what he was doing. He removed his own clothes before he sat up and pulled Clara into his lap. He pulled her dress over her head and tossed it onto the floor. He ran his tongue up Clara's neck, eliciting a moan from her. The Doctor reached around Clara's back to help her unhook her bra before removing it and flinging it across the room. He continued to nibble, lick, and kiss at her neck, shoulders, and chest as his hand slid down Clara's body. Finally, he slid his hand down the front of her knickers. He stroked a finger between her folds to discover that she was absolutely soaked. Oh, this was good. He inhaled deeply, taking in the delicious scent of Clara's arousal. It wasn't as strong as he'd like, but he would change that soon. Slowly, he began to circle a finger over the sensitive nub that could bring Clara great pleasure. She let out a sharp cry and dug her nails into the Doctor's shoulders. The Doctor winced slightly from the pain, but it still heightened his arousal. He continued to stroke Clara as she panted loudly. Finally, she let out a loud, untempered cry. Oh yes, that was good. Unfortunately, the thoughts of what had happened a few days ago kept coming to mind. Because of this, he was still flaccid. Clara glanced down at his manhood, smiled, and said, "Let me take care of that."

　

She reached down and took him in hand, expertly stroking him, trying to work him into fighting shape. This went on for thirty seconds, then a minute, then two minutes, then five. Clara glanced up at the Doctor and the he admitted with the utmost look of awkwardness, "This has never happened before."

　

Damn it, he just couldn't focus. Not with the possibility of Clara faking it in his mind. Had she faked it when he had brought her to orgasm with his fingers? He frowned deeply. "Doctor, is something wrong?" Clara asked.

　

"You tell me." The Doctor snapped. "Tell me, Clara- do you fake it _every_ time?"

　

A look of shock appeared on Clara's face, which was quickly replaced with anger. Her hand flew up to his cheek and she slapped him. Hard. "Why would you say that?" Clara cried. "How could you think that!"

　

The human female then proceeded to gather up the Doctor's clothes before tossing them at him. "You are _not_ sleeping in this room tonight!" Clara snapped.

　

The Doctor frowned and began to put his clothes back on. Once he was done, he left his room and headed for the guest room. He climbed into bed before tucking himself in. He felt the bed shift behind him and a manly arm slipped around him, pulling him close to a warm body. A male voice sighed contentedly, "All my dreams have come true."

　

Moments later, Jack Harkness, sporting what would soon become a black eye, followed an angry Doctor out of the guest room. "I wasn't _groping_ you, Doc!" Jack protested. "It was just a hug!"

　

"Leave me alone!" the Doctor barked.

　

The Time Lord made his way to the common room before flinging a pillow that he had taken from the guest room onto the couch. He then laid down on the couch. He thought about what had happened earlier. Oh, Clara had been _very_ angry when he suggested that she faked her orgasms. That meant that his fears were unwarranted and she _didn't_ fake it. That didn't change the fact that she was mad at him. The Doctor frowned and closed his eyes. He'd talk to Clara after both of them had slept for a while.

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It had been a week since the incident in the bathroom and Clara still refused to speak to him. They had both taken care of John, but the Doctor hadn't gotten a word from his companion. He was getting the silent treatment, a tactic used by females of all species. It was getting more and more frustrating. She had let him back in the bed after a few days, but she still refused to let him so much as touch her. It was a bit of a role reversal, the Doctor wanting to touch someone and the person in question not wanting to be touched. After the eighth day of being snubbed, the Doctor was done playing nice. The moment Clara was in bed, he moved over so she was caged between his arms. "Get off me." Clara growled.

　

"No." the Doctor said firmly. "I've been trying to talk to you for days but you'll barely even look at me."

　

"Well, that's what happens when the man you love accuses you of faking it." Clara snapped.

　

"Do you?" the Doctor asked.

　

"No!" Clara replied angrily.

　

"Oh." the Doctor replied tersely. "All right, then."

　

"All right, what?" Clara snapped.

　

"I believe you." The Doctor clarified.

　

"I can't believe you would- wait, _what_?" Clara was puzzled.

　

"I believe you." the Doctor repeated.

　

"You believe me?" Clara questioned.

　

"I believe you." the Doctor said once again. "Are we going to keep saying this or is this conversation going to go somewhere?"

　

"Could you get off me?" Clara asked.

　

The Doctor sighed and moved off of Clara before lying down next to her in bed. She rolled over so she was facing him. She then asked, "Why would you think that I would fake it?"

　

The Doctor frowned and looked away. "I spoke with James."

　

"James said that?" Clara groaned. "I only did it _once_ and that was after _you_ seduced me! When he eventually _did_ get me off, I was thinking of you!"

　

"Oh." the Doctor said with a bit of puzzled relief. "Is that all?"

　

"What do you mean, 'is that all?'" Clara asked with growing irritation in her voice.

　

"Well, it's a bit of a relief." the Doctor admitted. "Let us never speak of this again."

　

"All right." Clara said. "We won't speak of it."

　

"All right, then." the Doctor finished the conversation.

　

After a short while, the Doctor spoke again. "Clara?"

　

"What?" Clara replied.

　

"Can I hold you now?" the Doctor asked.

　

"You'd better." Clara said with a faint smile.

　

　

　

　

 


	3. Stinky In Seattle, Night Of The Living Dad, TARDIS on Haunted Hill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, dear readers! It is your evil overlord, returned with yet another batch of one-shots, fresh off the grill. Readers beware: in this chapter, things are going to get a little bit messy. How so? Well, you'll have to read to find out. Let me just say one thing. The shit will hit the fan in this one. Also, all of the one-shots' titles are based off of movie titles. See if you can spot the MLP reference in Stinky In Seattle.

**Title: Stinky In Seattle**

**Rating: T (trust me on this)**

**Summary: The Doctor knows the logistics of changing a baby. He's just never done it himself before. The good news: the Doctor knows where Clara is. The bad news: Clara is stuck in a lift and the sonic is back in the TARDIS. The worse news: little John is starting to smell.**

**Takes place when John is 4 months old.**

　

The Doctor adjusted the baby sling fastened to his torso as he swept his gaze across the vast shopping mall and at the crowd around him. His aggressive eyebrows furrowing, he asked the woman next to him, "Clara, why do you have to do this? The TARDIS can provide anything John needs."

　

The Time Lord indicated the brown-haired, brown-eyed infant strapped to his chest. Clara sighed and said, "Doctor, it's about the experience. Besides, all of the clothes that the TARDIS generates for him have alien writing on them. If my son is going to wear anything with writing on it, it's going to be written in an Earth language, preferably English."

　

"Okay, now you're just being picky." the Doctor huffed

　

"Quit complaining." Clara replied, rolling her eyes. "You get to carry John and his baby bag. I'll have to carry all of the shopping bags. You wanted to carry John this time. Consider it father-son bonding experience."

　

"He's four months old, Clara." the Doctor said with a frown. "He's probably not going to remember it a year from now."

　

"It'll be over in the blink of an eye for both of us." Clara sighed. "Kids grow up so fast, Doctor. He won't be a tiny little time tot forever. Before long he'll be walking. Then he'll go to school, then university..."

　

Clara's eyes misted up a little at the thought of her little boy growing up. The Doctor groaned. Clara glared at him for a second before he said, "I suppose that's one of the things we have to accept when this little accident happened to us and you chose to keep him and, to quote Jack, 'fill the TARDIS with the pitter-patter of little time-feet'."

　

Clara was silent for a while as they walked through the crowd. Finally, she asked, "Did you ever have second thoughts?"

　

"About what?" The Doctor asked absent-mindedly.

　

"About this." Clara replied. "About well, my decision to have John. Back when I told you, you didn't exactly make your feelings clear, whether you were happy or not."

　

The Doctor was silent for a few seconds before answering, "It was a bit of a shock. Actually, that was an understatement. It was a _huge_ shock."

　

"You were afraid." Clara knew the Doctor a bit too well sometimes.

　

"Terrified." the Doctor admitted. "Then I was accepting. Then I was happy."

　

"And now?" Clara questioned.

　

"Still happy." the Doctor replied. "Wouldn't have changed a thing. Well, aside from you getting shot. I still have you and John, though."

　

"What about Jack?" Clara asked with a teasing smirk.

　

"That's still undecided." the Doctor replied.

　

"I suppose that means that he'll stay in the TARDIS as long as he makes you cake." Clara said with a chuckle. "You know, if you keep eating those desserts that he keeps making, it'll go straight to your thighs."

　

"Don't be ridiculous, Clara." the Doctor snorted. "I have a different metabolism than you."

　

"I suppose it explains why you're always hungry." Clara sighed.

　

The Doctor and Clara browsed the shops for a while before deciding to head to the second floor. Clara looked at the handsome glass lift before stepping in. Suddenly, she was surrounded. The lift was absolutely packed. "I'll meet you at the second floor!" Clara called out. "You can take the next lift up! I'll be picking out clothes for John!"

　

The Doctor let out a groan and sarcastically said, "I can't wait."

　

He decided to take his time. He made his way over to the food court before using what little money he had on him to buy a cheeseburger. As the Doctor stood, eating his burger, John began to fuss. The Doctor easily found out that his son was hungry. Setting the burger down on the table, the Time Lord detached the hungry infant from himself and took a bottle filled with freshly-squeezed human breast milk, courtesy of a lactating Clara Oswald, out of the baby bag. Little John eagerly fastened onto the bottle's synthetic nipple and eagerly feasted upon its contents. Whether he took his meals from the bottle or straight from the source, it could definitely be said that John Smith Oswald had a hearty appetite. The infant still seemed to prefer Clara's breasts over the bottle, though. The Doctor ignored the looks from strangers, some of whom reacted in with an 'awww'. Once John was done eating, the Doctor expertly burped him. Well, seemingly-expertly. He hadn't been a father in a very, _very_ long time.

　

When the Doctor was done attending to John, he returned the baby to his harness and headed to the lift. When he got there, he saw a crowd gathering around. He looked up to see that the lift was stuck and Clara was still inside. Whipping out his phone- Clara insisted that he have one- the Doctor sent Clara a text asking if she was okay. Clara's response was ' _I'm stuck in the lift next to a man who smells like he hasn't bathed in a week. What do YOU think_?'

　

The Doctor frowned and texted back, ' _Give me a minute. I'll get you out of there_.'

　

The Time Lord took the escalator up to the second level of the mall and headed over to the access panel. He reached into his pocket for his sonic screwdriver only to find that it wasn't there. He checked all of his other pockets. Not there, either. He even checked John's baby bag. Not there. Suddenly, a horrific stench hit the Doctor's nose. It was the unmistakable odor of baby poo. The Doctor grimaced and texted Clara, ' _I have good news, bad news, and worse news_.'

　

' _What_?' Clara texted back

　

' _The good news is that you'll get out of there eventually_.' the Doctor texted. ' _The bad news is that I left the sonic on the TARDIS. The worse news is that John soiled himself and it smells like a big one_.'

　

There was a brief pause before Clara texted a reply. ' _I'm not even going to ask. I'll be patient and try to survive the Human Garbage Truck's body odor. As for John, just change him. It's simple_.'

　

The Doctor froze. Change John. Him. He had managed to go the four months of John's life without changing him. He knew the logistics, but he had never done it before. Still, the smell was getting worse and John was starting to get cranky. The Time Lord hurried over to the map of the mall to see that the nearest bathroom was completely on the other side of the mall and on the first floor. It was a horribly inefficient design. He had to start his way over. He tried to make his way across the mall, working his way through the thick crowd. At last he started to ride the escalator down when suddenly, the worst happened. John sprung a leak. Baby poo practically exploded out of John's nappy, oozing all over the Doctor's shirt, down the front of his trousers, and on the ground. A look of pure horror appeared on the Time Lord's face. Gripping the baby bag tightly, he made a mad dash towards the bathrooms once his feet hit the floor. All the while, John was leaking all over him more and more. The Doctor headed into the bathroom, unhooked John from his harness, removed he harness from himself, and plopped it on the ground. He removed John's soiled onesie and put it in one of the odor-proof bags that he had stashed in the baby bag. He took John to the sink and washed the feces off of him before taking him to the changing table and putting a fresh nappy on him, followed by a clean onesie. John was clean. The Doctor despaired, for he couldn't sonic the noxious substance off of him for lack of a sonic screwdriver to do it with. He heard someone clearing their throat behind him. He turned around to see who it was. Standing nearby were a pair of teen parents and their baby. The girl whispered to the boy a bit before the boy nodded and held out his shopping bag. "Here." the boy said. "You need these more than I do."

　

The Doctor tried to glare at them but he couldn't. He was equal parts desperate and grateful. He grabbed a larger odor-proof bag and headed into one of the stalls to change. When he emerged, he emerged in a pair of black skinny jeans, a black Slayer vest top, a studded wristband, a studded leather belt, and a spiked dog collar. He felt ridiculous. It caused him nearly enough embarrassment that he could have expired and regenerated. He didn't, of course, since it was impossible to die of embarrassment. He had the black beanie with a skull printed on the front in one hand and the odor-proof bag full of his soiled clothes in his other. He put the dirty clothes in the baby bag and put the beanie on John's head. The teenage girl held out a spare baby harness. The Doctor quickly put it on, making sure that John was securely strapped in. The Time Lord glanced at the teenage boy, having seen the boy's violet eyes- not contacts, he noted- and the tan speckles going up the side of his neck and temple. The teenage girl smiled at her boyfriend and said, "You're the best, Armand."

　

"Well, I try to be an honest man, Cadence, for you and little Twily." Armand replied.

　

"If you want to be honest, you should probably tell your girlfriend that you're an alien." the Doctor commented.

　

"Wait, what?" Cadence shot a surprised look at Armand.

　

"I have no idea what he's talking about." Armand defended himself.

　

"Oh, don't be stupid." the Doctor scoffed. "Exotic eye coloration, spots on the neck and temples- you're clearly Lithurgian."

　

Cadence placed her hands on her hips and glared at the Doctor. "Don't accuse my boyfriend of being an alien!" she snapped. "He hasn't lied to me yet. He said that only his _dad_ was an alien! He was born on his planet. That makes him, like, an Earthican, right?"

　

The Doctor groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "They're breeding a generation of idiots." he grumbled under his breath.

　

"What did you say?" Armand questioned.

　

"I said thank you for the harness and clothes." the Doctor said irritably. "However ridiculous I look."

　

Not giving the human or the human-Lithurgian a chance to respond, the Time Lord left them behind. John still stunk a little, but it was not nearly as bad as he was before. As the Doctor made his way through the mall, he ignored the stares that he was being given. One person even referred to him as 'wannabe metal grandpa'. The Doctor frowned. Not that it mattered, but he was more metal than the rest of them combined and he wasn't even all that into metal. When he returned to the lift, the doors were opening and the passengers were stepping out. Clara spotted him and ran over to him. When she got a good look at him, she snickered. "Don't you dare." the Doctor hissed.

　

Clara couldn't hold it. She burst into laughter. It was body-shaking laughter. After a short time, Clara clutched her side and laughed, "Oh god, I can't breathe!"

　

"Then stop laughing." the Doctor snapped.

　

After a while, Clara was able to get her laughter back under control. She chuckled once more before clearing her throat and asking, "So, Doctor, why are you dressed like a teenage metal-head?"

　

She started snickering again and the Doctor used Attack Eyebrows. It's not very effective. The Time Lord grumbled, "It's not my first choice. John's nappy suffered a catastrophic failure."

　

"You got baby poo all over your clothes." Clara said sympathetically.

　

"Yes." The Doctor snapped back. "Now can we get out of here before someone takes a picture of me?"

　

Clara chuckled and rolled her eyes. She looped her arm through the Doctor's free arm and the two walked to the mall's exit. Clara sniffed the air before commenting, "Doctor, you need to take a bath for an hour or two."

　

"I know." the Doctor grumbled.

　

"Good." Clara said cheekily. "Maybe we can share the shower."

　

"Well, it would be a more efficient manner of getting clean." the Doctor replied cluelessly.

　

"Showers can also be used for _other_ things." Clara said with a sultry smile. After what the Doctor had clearly went through, he deserved a little reward.

　

Suddenly, it dawned on the Doctor. Clara chuckled when the Time Lord suddenly increased his pace. "Well, we'd best get back to the TARDIS, then." the Doctor said with a smirk. "I'm a very, _very_ dirty Time Lord."

　

Clara chuckled and sped up a bit as well. Once they got back to the TARDIS, she'd hand John over to Jack for a while. Then it would be time to jump into the shower and clean her dirty, dirty Time Lord. Maybe today wouldn't be a total waste after all.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Title: Night Of The Living Dad**

**Rating: General Audiences**

**Summary: After arriving in a small town in Minnesota in the middle of winter, the Doctor gets stuck in a Walmart during a blizzard with a teething John. Can he survive the night or will he be driven mad by other customers?**

**Takes place when John is 5 months old**

　

The Doctor wasn't happy. Clara was sick with Lithurgian Rhinovirus, a disease that many species were succeptable to. Thankfully, Time Lords were not one of them and John seemed to be Time Lord enough to resist it. Unfourtunately, there was no cure for Lithurgian Rhinovirus and there never would be. Clara would just have to wait it out while treating the symptoms. That was what led the Doctor to a Walmart in the small town of Dushvag, Minnesota. It was in the middle of winter, but the cold weather did not bother the Doctor. Because John was an infant, he was bundled up warmly just in case. That didn't help a certain problem, though. To make things from bad to worse, John was teething and he was utterly miserable about it. Sometimes he was in too much pain and crying too much to communicate with his father. With Clara indisposed, John's care was left in the hands of the Doctor. The TARDIS never had the right cough syrup for Clara and lacked baby-strength painkillers, so the Doctor was forced to go to the town's Walmart.

　

With an annoyed groan, the Time Lord placed his son's baby carrier in a shopping cart and headed into the store. When one of the obnoxiously cheerful greeters bid him welcome to Walmart, the Doctor was severely tempted to tell the human to go hug a Dalek. In the end, his restraint won out and he was able to resist the urge. He looked around the store before searching for the pharmacy. He refused to ask for help from an employee, so it would take him a while to find it. Once he located it, the Doctor searched for an appropriate bottle of cough syrup for Clara's symptoms. There were many options, but eventually he selected one. Now he just had to find some painkillers for the loudly crying John. The Doctor groaned and said, "Please, _please_ stop crying!"

　

John, in too much pain and too irritable to communicate, continued to cry. Suddenly, an announcement came over the PA system, an alert that there was a major blizzard outside and the customers were advised to stay in the store until it was over. The Doctor groaned again and resumed his search for baby painkillers. Unfortunately, all he could find was baby aspirin and he didn't want to take the risk of John having an adverse reaction to it. Finally, he decided that he needed to ask for help. He walked up to an employee and grumpily said, "My son is teething and I need to find painkillers that _aren't_ aspirin."

　

"Maybe you should try numbing gel." the female employee suggested. "I used that for my baby when he was teething."

　

An older female customer scoffed and said, "That stuff will wash right out of your baby's mouth. What you really need to do is put lavender oil on the bottoms of his feet."

　

The Doctor groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. Great. Unwanted advice from human parents. Between the idiots and his son's crying, he was starting to lose it. An elderly male customer spoke up, "What you really need to do is dip your finger in some whiskey and swish it around the baby's mouth."

　

"That doesn't work!" A young mother scoffed. "Give him a frozen banana!"

　

"That won't work!" A young male customer argued. "Give him a frozen bagel to gnaw on!"

　

All the while the customers were arguing, John continued to cry and the Doctor was getting very frustrated. The idiots were yammering and John was crying and miserable and the Doctor was about to lose his mind. At a loss for anything else to do, the Time Lord stuck a finger into John's mouth. The baby began to gnaw on his father's finger and that seemed to soothe him a bit. With his son finally quiet, the Doctor let out a sigh of relief.

　

The woman who had suggested the numbing gel frowned and said, "You know, you're going to make him sick by doing that."

　

"Yeah!" the customer who had suggested the bagel agreed. "When was the last time you washed your hands?"

　

The Doctor grimaced and attempted to walk away, but the other customers followed him, arguing about what methods were best for soothing a teething baby. He searched the pharmacy again before finding some children's-strength liquid acetaminophen. That should be safe for John. The Doctor hurried to the check-out area to purchase it. Once he had purchased it, he tried to ignore the squabbling customers as he gave John a dose of the medicine. When the woman who had suggested lavender oil scolded the Doctor for not using a holistic remedy, the Time Lord snapped. "Shut up!" He barked. "All of you, shut up!"

　

Even as the medicine was kicking in, John began to fuss again, upset by the other customers. The Doctor was made aware of this and he glared at the customers before grinding out, "Go away. You're upsetting my son. Can't you pudding brains find someone else to bother?"

　

The customers started squabbling again about whose fault it was. While this was happening, the Doctor snuck away. He quietly made his way over to the bathroom. Once he was sure that it was empty, he used the sonic to lock the door before crouching in the corner to wait the blizzard out. He made sure to tend to John and his pain and his regular needs as he waited patiently. It wasn't until dawn that the blizzard abated. The Doctor was made aware of this by a text from Clara. The Doctor, of course, texted back, ' _Get back in the TARDIS. You're still sick_.'

　

' _When are you going to be back_?' Clara texted.

　

' _Heading out now. May take longer. Trying to avoid idiots_.' the Doctor replied

　

Once he finished that text, he unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out. He tried to make his way to the store's exit quietly, but the customers spotted him and rushed in his direction, intent on telling him what he was doing wrong as a father once again. The Doctor fled, dashing towards the exit. Once he reached the exit, he continued running until he could see the TARDIS off in the distance. The customers were slowed down a bit by how much snow there was after the blizzard, but the Doctor was able to escape. He flung the door to the TARDIS open, stepped in, and slammed the door behind him. He spotted Clara and tossed the bottle of cough syrup to her. The moment she caught it, the Doctor started pulling levers and pressing buttons, sending the ship into the vortex and away from the people of Dushvag, Minnesota. The Doctor absent-mindedly stroked John's soft, curling hair as he asked, "Why can't there be at least _moderately_ intelligent humans in that store?"

　

"Did you meat the Walmartians?" Clara croaked.

　

"Walmartians and Dushvags." the Doctor replied. "A horrible combination."

　

"It can't have been that bad." Clara said.

　

"You weren't there." the Doctor argued.

　

"Whatever." Clara sighed. "Did you learn anything, Doctor?"

　

"Yes." the Doctor replied. "I am never going to Minnesota again."

　

Clara facepalmed.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

**Title: TARDIS On Haunted Hill**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: The Doctor and Clara are lost again, this time deep in the woods of Pennsylvania, and the Doctor has accidentally locked himself out of the TARDIS. They are miles away from civilization and will have to travel on foot in the dark of the night. Unfortunately, they are about to meet one of America's darkest legends.**

**Takes place in Week 33 of _Unplanned_**

　

**I've been trying to finish this chapter for the longest time. I had another concept, but I couldn't get it down. Thankfully, I have a pretty diverse pool of friends. I probably would not have been able to come up with this concept without them. So big thanks to my pal Joel, who told me about Melon Heads. He's originally from Pennsylvania and told me that there were supposedly Melon Heads in southern Pennsylvania.**

　

It had been a week since the Doctor and Clara had reconciled and they were back to adventuring again. The Doctor was practically obsessed with keeping Clara safe. She was extremely pregnant and rather fragile, though she hated being treated like she was made of glass. This time, the Doctor was taking Clara to meet an old friend of his. It was someone who whose first meeting with the Doctor had been awkward.

　

Having taken the TARDIS out of the vortex, the Doctor exclaimed, "Welcome to Portugal!"

　

"What are we doing in Portugal?" Clara asked.

　

"Meeting an old friend, Brian Torres." The Doctor replied.

　

"Heavyset Portuguese woman who loves chips but is allergic to fish sauce?" Clara inquired. "Ran into her while she was visiting Amsterdam when you were in your last body and accidentally got stoned with her?"

　

"I did _not_ get stoned." the Doctor huffed.

　

"You thought that I was a talking lollipop and licked my face. You ate the TARDIS' entire supply of cheese puffs afterwards." Clara deadpanned.

　

"Time Lords don't get stoned, Clara." The Doctor said insistently.

　

"Whatever." Clara sighed. "Let's just visit your friend."

　

With himself and Clara in agreement, the Doctor and his companion left the TARDIS. When they were outside, they saw that it was nighttime and the only light was the crescent moon and the stars. They were deep in a dense, unfamiliar forest. The Doctor paused, an awkward expression on his face. Clara noticed this and frowned. "Doctor, what's wrong this time?" she asked.

　

"You're not going to like it." the Doctor replied.

　

"Just tell me, Doctor." Clara said with a frown.

　

"We're not in Portugal." the Doctor said hesitantly. "Judging from the local plant life, we're in Pennsylvania."

　

Clara groaned and said, "Doctor, you didn't even land the TARDIS on the correct _continent_!"

　

"Even I am not infallible." the Doctor admitted.

　

"Let's just get out of here and go to Portugal." Clara sighed.

　

The Doctor nodded and turned to open the TARDIS' door. It was locked. The Doctor frowned and began to search his pocket for his key. After a minute or so, an awkward expression appeared on his face. He then said, "You're not going to like this, Clara."

　

"What is it?" Clara asked.

　

"My key is inside the TARDIS. I've locked myself out." the Doctor said awkwardly.

　

Clara groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Great." she sighed. "Can't you just ask her to let us in?"

　

The Doctor attempted to open the door again. He frowned and said, "She doesn't want to let us in."

　

"Great!" Clara groaned. "Just great! I'm stuck outside the TARDIS in the woods in the middle of the night. Maybe I should just wait for a bear to come along and eat us."

　

"I speak bear." the Doctor said calmly.

　

"Are bears willing to listen?" Clara asked.

　

"Generally speaking, no." the Doctor replied awkwardly.

　

"I am _not_ spending the night in these woods!" Clara said angrily.

　

"Well, if I'm correct, we're about eight kilometers from the nearest town." the Doctor said, trying to be positive.

　

"3.2 kilometers per hour is the average walking speed for a human." Clara speculated. "It'd probably be less for me, maybe 2.4 kilometers per hour since I'm pregnant. That means that It'll take..."

　

She paused to count in her mind before groaning, "four hours! We'll be walking for four hours in the middle of the night."

　

"It's only eight kilometers." The Doctor said with a scoff. "We've gone that distance before easily."

　

"Yes, but that was _before I was pregnant_!" Clara snapped.

　

"Well, we don't have a choice if we're not going to spend the night in the woods." the Doctor said tersely.

　

"Great." Clara sighed. "Just great."

　

"We'd better get moving." the Doctor said. He then added somewhat teasingly. "Before we run into Melon Heads."

　

"Melon Heads?" Clara questioned.

　

"It's an urban legend." the Doctor explained. "Supposedly, a cruel and mad doctor experimented on children, turning them into aggressive, feral creatures with giant heads. According to the story, they escaped and killed the doctor. It is said that they lurk in the woods, killing and eating anyone who gets lost."

　

"Right." Clara said with a smirk. "We'd better be careful, then. We don't want the Melon Heads to get us."

　

The Doctor smirked at Clara before beginning his trek, Clara following behind. They travelled for the next hour and a half, making their way through the woods as they headed for the nearest road. "We should reach the next road within a half an hour." the Doctor announced.

　

"Maybe we can flag down a car." Clara suggested. She then groaned and said, "My feet are killing me."

　

"It can't be that bad." the Doctor scoffed. "We've only been walking for an hour and a half."

　

"Well, you've never been pregnant." Clara groused. "This much walking is murder on my feet."

　

Suddenly, there was the sound of rustling in the foliage. Clara and the Doctor both froze. A few seconds later a raccoon emerged from the bushes. Clara let out a sigh of relief before joking, "For a second, I thought it might have been a Melon Head."

　

"Indeed." the Doctor said with a smirk. "We could have been eaten."

　

Clara laughed before continuing her walking. The Doctor, of course, walked by her side. Ten minutes later, there was another sound in the woods. It was probably another raccoon or some other nocturnal creature. Clara glanced around and thought she saw a humanoid form stalking through the bushes out of the corner of her eyes. She grabbed the Doctor's arm and asked, "Doctor, did you see that?"

　

"See what?" the Doctor questioned.

　

"I thought I saw someone following us." Clara said quietly.

　

"If there was someone following us, I'd be aware of it." The Doctor said brusquely. "It was probably your overactive human imagination and paranoia."

　

"Maybe it was nothing." Clara admitted. "It's really dark out here."

　

Still feeling a bit nervous, Clara took the Doctor's hand in hers. The Time Lord tensed for a moment, but he did not protest. The two of them continued their trek through the woods. Five minutes later, there was that sound of footsteps through the foliage off in the distance again. It sounded closer than before. The Doctor tensed up and Clara asked, "Did you hear that?"

　

"I did." the Doctor replied quietly.

　

"I think it's following us." Clara whispered.

　

The Doctor said nothing and increased the speed of his walking. Clara, equally nervous, increased her pace as well. Three minutes later, there was the sound again. It sounded even closer. Clara held the Doctor's hand a bit more tightly and whispered, "It definitely sounds like it's following us."

　

"This time, I agree with you." the Doctor whispered back.

　

"We have to get out of here." Clara hissed.

　

"I know your feet are hurting, Clara, but we need to hurry a bit more." the Doctor said quietly.

　

"I'll try." Clara replied softly, placing her free hand protectively over her swollen abdomen.

　

The Time Lord and his human companion increased their pace, attempting to evade whoever was stalking them. Unfortunately, it kept getting closer. When they were about ten minutes from the road, the Clara glanced back. Stalking through the foliage was a small figure with a massive head. She swallowed audibly and said with great alarm, "Doctor!"

　

"What?" the Doctor asked.

　

"I think we're being followed by a Melon Head." Clara said with fear in her voice.

　

"There's no such thing as Melon Heads, Clara." the Doctor replied, rolling his eyes.

　

"Look!" Clara hissed, pointing at the bushes. "It's going to get us and it's going to eat us!"

　

"Clara, for the last time, there's no such thing as Melon Hea-" the Doctor said, but he was interrupted by a raspy wail. He tensed up and glanced over his shoulder.

　

Off in the distance, he could see the small figure with a massive head, moving towards them. He swallowed audibly and whispered, "Run!"

　

Gripping Clara's hand tightly, the Doctor bolted. The pregnant woman tried her best to keep up with him. They could hear the creature moving quickly behind them, breathing loudly as it went. Clara was having trouble keeping up, so the Doctor scooped her up and began to carry her. He still tried to run, but it was difficult with Clara's weight. "Hurry up!" Clara cried.

　

"I'm trying!" The Doctor snapped. "You're not exactly feather-light, you know!"

　

"If we weren't in mortal danger, I'd hit you." Clara growled.

　

After a few minutes, they seemed to have evaded the creature. Clara and the Doctor let out twin sighs of relief before the teacher was set back down. They continued to head in the direction of the road. When they were fifty feet away from it, there was the sound of footsteps moving swiftly through the foliage once more. The Doctor seized Clara's hand and began running again. They were almost there! Finally, when they reached the road, the Doctor spotted a parked car on the side of the road. Inside, a man was taking pictures of the night sky. The Doctor wrenched the passenger side door open, flung Clara in, and slammed the door shut. He then went to the back seat of the car. "What the hell?" the driver exclaimed.

　

"Get us out of here!" the Doctor bellowed.

　

"There's a Melon Head following us!" Clara cried.

　

The driver groaned and said, "For god's sake, there is no such thing as-"

　

Something darted onto the road, revealing itself in the moonlight. It was the size of a child, its head massive and its limbs twisted. Its rotten teeth were in a parody of a sneer. Within seconds, other Melon Heads joined it. " _Melon Heads_!" the driver cried.

　

The driver then floored the gas pedal, sending the car zooming forward. The vehicle nearly hit one Melon Head, but it moved out of the way quickly. As the car flew down the road, the Melon Heads disappeared back into the woods. Clara let out an audible sigh of relief. "Let's avoid Pennsylvania next time." Clara sighed.

　

"Agreed." the Doctor replied.

　

Suddenly, a thought occurred to Clara. "We're going to have to go back to the TARDIS in the morning."

　

The Doctor nodded before saying, "They wont' be out during the daytime."

　

"Good." Clara replied. "I'm in no mood to repeat this."

　

A few hours later, the car arrived in the nearest town. The Doctor and Clara stayed at the local motel overnight. In the morning, the driver took the pair back to the place where he had picked them up. Clara waved goodbye to the driver and headed back into the woods with the Doctor. They made their way back to the TARDIS without any sort of disturbance. The Doctor attempted to open the TARDIS door. He was very pleased when he machine let he and Clara in. As the machine was dematerializing, the Doctor and Clara were unaware of the large-headed figure that had watched them enter. After watching the machine disappear, the Melon Head let out a chilling howl before running off and disappearing deeper into the woods.

　


	4. The Wedding Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months after Amelia's dramatic proposal, it's about time that they get married. Their good friends and Pavarti's family will be there. Unfortunately, Pavarti has also invited Amelia's family, who don't exactly approve of the wedding. Will Amelia and Pavarti's special day conclude with a happy ending or will it be utterly ruined by troublemaking guests?  
> Takes place nine months after the end of Unplanned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been planning this chapter for a while. It's the chapter where Pavarti and Amelia get married. I know that you guys want it. It's about time that I wrote it. I hope that I did a good job. It was certainly interesting to write.

It was about time that Amelia Rosalita Hernandez the concert violinist and neurologist Doctor Pavarti Patil got married, Clara thought. Tomorrow would be the day. Everything was planned down to the last detail and she hoped that it would go out without a hitch. Tonight, though, was the hen party and Clara was dressed in a pretty but semi-casual tea-length white dress. The Doctor, who was standing in the console room with John in his arms, gave her an appreciative once-over. "Well," Clara said with a smile, "It's time for you to take me to the hen party."

　

"How does a hen party for a gay wedding work, anyway?" The Doctor asked. "Will they have separate hen parties for each of your friends?"

　

"No," Clara replied, "Both of them will be there. I think they'll be hiring a male stripper for the straight guests, though."

　

The Doctor frowned deeply, clearly not happy with the idea. Clara rolled her eyes and said, "There won't be any hanky panky, Doctor. I'm not really interested in men other than you, anyway."

　

The Doctor smiled shyly and Clara added with a smile, "It'll be fine, Doctor."

　

"All right," the Doctor said gruffly, "but if I find out that he's touched you, I'll-"

　

"Doctor!" Clara groaned. "I won't let him touch me. There won't be any touching. You won't need to kick anyone's ass."

　

"All right." the Doctor said, his voice tinted with suspicion. "I trust you. I just don't trust men. They all want one thing when they see a pretty face."

　

Clara smirked mischievously and teasingly asked, "Doctor, did you just call me pretty?"

　

The Doctor blushed vividly and sputtered, "I, erm, uh..."

　

He then turned away, his face beet red. He ran his hand over John's curly, brown hair and mumbled something. Clara cocked her head slightly and asked, "What was that?"

　

The Doctor cleared his throat before saying, "Coming from a species that doesn't judge an individual's worth by their appearance, it wouldn't really matter what you looked like, but I've always noticed that you are rather..."

　

He mumbled something under his breath and Clara asked, "Rather what?"

　

"Rather beautiful." The Doctor admitted. "And, well, I'm... not."

　

Clara sighed and asked, "Is this what that stripper business was about? Are you afraid that I'll leave you for someone 'more attractive'?"

　

The Doctor said nothing. Clara walked over to the Time Lord and placed her hand on his shoulder. He turned around and looked at Clara. She gently slid her hand up to cup his cheek. "Doctor, it doesn't matter what face you wear." she said gently. "You will always be beautiful to me."

　

With that said, Clara stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against the Doctor's. The Time Lord visibly relaxed. After a few seconds, Clara stepped back. When she spotted the lipstick that the kiss had left on the Doctor's lips, she chuckled and used her thumb to wipe it off. "There's nothing to worry about, Doctor." Clara said with a smile. "I only have eyes for you."

　

The Doctor smiled shyly and set John on the ground. He then started to press buttons and pull levers, sending them through the vortex and outside of Amelia and Pavarti's block of flats. Clara headed for the TARDIS' door. When she was about to exit, she looked back at the Doctor. A shy smile still on his face, he waved at Clara and said, "Have fun."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooo

　

Clara was at the hen party, as were a few of Amelia and Pavarti's other friends. Once everyone was seated, Pavarti smiled and said, "There's a pizza in the oven, but I suppose that it's not too early for refreshments."

　

"I'll get them." Amelia offered.

　

The American then headed to the kitchen. Shortly afterwards, she emerged with some champagne flutes and a few bottles of champagne. Clara grinned and said, "Knowing you, Amelia, I half expected you to have brought tequila."

　

"Yeah, well, the champagne was Pavarti's idea." Amelia admitted. "No tequila tonight."

　

A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Amelia got up and answered. Standing outside was a man in a fake police uniform. He wore a name tag that read, 'Officer Feelgood'. Amelia looked back at her guests and called out, "He's here!"

　

The violinist let the stripper in. He looked at Amelia and asked, "Are you the bride?"

　

"Sort of." Amelia replied. "I'm getting married to a woman, so you're here for the other ladies."

　

"Cool." the stripper replied.

　

When everyone was seated once more, Officer Feelgood began his show. Before long, he was dressed in only his G-string. Then came the lap dance. Unfortunately, the woman he chose to give the lap dance to was Clara. The petite brunette blushed vividly, but was unable to find words to stop him. Suddenly, the door to Amelia and Pavarti's flat flew open. Standing in the doorway was a very irate Doctor. "Hey, no men allowed!" one of the guests called out.

　

The Doctor ignored her. He then grabbed the stripper and yanked him away from Clara. The Time Lord was in the stripper's face, breathing hard with an angry look on his face. "Hey, not cool!" Officer Feelgood cried.

　

"Doctor!" Clara groaned.

　

"He was-" the Doctor began.

　

Clara interrupted the Time Lord. "Nothing happened, Doctor!"

　

"I could smell his pheromones!" the Doctor snapped. "He wanted to seduce you with his... his pelvic sorcery!"

　

"She's hot, but I look but don't touch!" The stripper said, alarmed.

　

"Get out." the Doctor snarled.

　

The Doctor uses Attack Eyebrows. It's super-effective! The stripper grabbed his clothes and fled. Amelia stood with her hands on her hips and snapped, "Doctor, this was a _seriously_ bad time for your jealousy!"

　

One of Pavarti's friends scowled at Clara and asked, "Amelia, why did you invite her?"

　

The Doctor was about to say that he wasn't Clara's boyfriend, but the impossible girl stood up and took the Doctor by his arm. "I'm sorry." Clara sighed. "I'll just take him home."

　

Clara, feeling rather angry, led the Doctor down the hall, down the stairs, and outside. Once they were back inside the TARDIS, Clara scowled at the Doctor and said angrily, "Doctor, you crashed Amelia and Pavarti's hen party!"

　

"But I-" the Doctor tried to defend himself, but Clara interrupted him.

　

"I didn't even _want_ a lap dance!" Clara continued. "I wanted to have a good time with my friends. Why did you have to follow me?"

　

She threw her arms in the air and said, "Agh! You are such an idiot!"

　

"I didn't want him to touch you." the Doctor mumbled.

　

"Doctor," Clara sighed, "you don't need to be jealous. I love you and no half-naked man is going to change that."

　

The Doctor looked at Clara with a sad look on his face. Clara sighed again and wrapped her arms around the Doctor, resting her head on his chest and listening to the comforting sound of his twin heartbeats. "Did it really bother you that much?"

　

"Yes." the Doctor replied softly.

　

"I won't go back, then." Clara said gently. "It's just a hen party. You're more important to me than that."

　

"It's okay, Doctor." Clara whispered. "I love you."

　

The Doctor buried his face in Clara's hair and whispered back, "I love you, too."

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was Amelia and Pavarti's special day and Clara and the Doctor had arrived early. Clara would hold the position of Pavarti's head bridesmaid and the Doctor was dressed to the nines in a tuxedo, having been chosen as default as best man by Amelia since she didn't have many male friends. Perhaps 'frienemies' might be a good word for the Doctor and Amelia's relationship. John was there as well, dressed in a cute little suit. Clara was still wearing a nursing bra and her dress had been designed to accommodate her. It was a blue satin gown and Clara was dressed in white strappy sandals. Of course, they were rather surprised to find Jack Harkness there as well. "Harkness, what are you doing here?" the Doctor asked with clear suspicion.

　

"I'm here to officiate the wedding, of course." Jack said with a grin. "I've been certified as an ordained minister."

　

"Who would certify _you_ as an ordained minister?" the Doctor snorted.

　

"Internet." Jack replied simply. "You can do just about anything on the internet."

　

The Doctor sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Figures." he grumbled.

　

"Well," Jack said cheerfully, "I have some minister stuff to practice. I'll see you at the ceremony!"

　

With that, Jack left. Clara glanced at the Doctor and said, "It could be worse."

　

"How?" the Doctor asked.

　

"At least it's not Strax officiating the wedding." Clara said with a grin. "Imagine it- 'Do you, Amelia Hernandez, take this boy in the name of the glory of the Sontaran empire?'"

　

The Doctor rolled his eyes but was unable to hold back a chuckle. They continued their stroll for a while until they heard two women arguing. Clara and the Doctor peeked around the corner to see Amelia and Pavarti in an argument. "I can't believe you invited them!" Amelia groaned.

　

"They're your family, Amelia." Pavarti replied. "They should be here at your wedding."

　

"They don't even know that I'm gay!" Amelia snapped. "Who knows what my relatives would do?"

　

"It can't be that bad." Pavarti said with a smile. "If my family can accept us, I'm sure that your family will as well."

　

"Yes, well, your family is awesome." Amelia replied. "Your parents don't care if you get married to a woman as long as you eventually give them grandkids. They know that we're planning on having kids someday."

　

"It'll be fine, Amelia." Pavarti said with a smile. "Now, shall we greet our adoring public?"

　

The Doctor and Clara fled before they could be spotted. It wasn't long before Pavarti's relatives arrived. It turned out that she was not the only one of her parents' children who was a Doctor Patil. Mrs. Patil hugged her daughter and wailed, "My baby is getting married!"

　

"Mum..." Pavarti groaned.

　

"Right." Mrs. Patil said with a smile. "Excessive public displays of affection."

　

"You could have gotten engaged to that Doctor fellow." Mr. Patil huffed.

　

The Doctor scowled deeply at Pavarti's father. Pavarti frowned as well. "Amelia is a concert violinist." Pavarti said sternly. "She makes plenty of money. Besides, the Doctor is a man and he's already with Clara. I'm not attracted to men and I'm definitely not going to steal another woman's boyfriend."

　

"I'm not-" the Doctor began, but Clara elbowed him.

　

"Not the right time." Clara hissed

　

"Darling, this is a time for joy." Mrs. Patil said to her husband. "At least Amelia has a job. That's more than can be said about Gita's husband."

　

Mr. Patil nodded. Their youngest daughter had married man who chose to be a house-husband. By referring to the man as a house-husband, the Patils meant that he was unemployed. Slowly, a few dozen more of Pavarti's relatives arrived. "Just how many of your family members did you invite?" Amelia asked.

　

"Just my parents, all six of my brothers and sisters, my grandparents on both sides, my aunts and uncles, and a few of my cousins." Pavarti said with an awkward shrug. "I have a big family."

　

"I don't have many cousins." Amelia said with a shrug. She then asked, "Which of my relatives did you invite?"

　

"Your uncle, your aunt, and your cousin." Pavarti replied.

　

Amelia groaned and sarcastically said, "Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful."

　

"It can't be that bad." Pavarti said with a smile.

　

"Yes, well, you haven't met my family." Amelia replied.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

A few hours later, Amelia's relatives arrived. Her uncle was a blonde, fair-skinned man with brown eyes. He was dressed in a smart suit. Amelia's aunt had much lighter skin than her niece and her hair was bleached blonde. Amelia's cousin looked a great deal like his father, only he wore glasses. Amelia's aunt hugged Amelia and said, "I can't believe that you're finally getting married!"

　

"Indeed." Amelia's uncle said. "Who is the lucky man? I'd like to meet this Doctor Patil."

　

Amelia paused awkwardly and said, "This way."

　

With that said, the violinist led her family over to the tent where Pavarti's relatives were gathering in anticipation for the wedding. Amelia's uncle glanced over the crowd and asked, "Where is Doctor Patil?"

　

"In there somewhere." Amelia replied.

　

Amelia's uncle nodded. He then called out, "Could Doctor Patil please raise their hand?"

　

No less than seven people raised their hands, one being Pavarti and three being her siblings. When Amelia saw Pavarti's light pink painted nails, she walked over to her and took her by the hand. She then led her over to her family. "Uncle Mark, Aunt Maria, Lewis, this is my fiancée, Pavarti Patil."

　

Amelia's relatives were silent for a moment before Mark let out a loud laugh. "Funny." he chuckled. "Now, which one of these men are you getting married to?"

　

"I'm getting married to Pavarti." Amelia said insistently. "She's going to be my wife."

　

"It's nice to meet you, Mark." Pavarti said with a smile, holding out her hand for the man to shake.

　

Mark, however, looked down at Pavarti's hand as if it were something disgusting. "Amelia," he ground out, "what is the meaning of this?"

　

"I want to marry Pavarti." Amelia replied.

　

"You can't marry her!" Mark hissed. "She's a woman!"

　

"I love her!" Amelia argued. "She loves me!"

　

"Gays can't love!" Lewis scoffed.

　

"I love Amelia with all of my heart." Pavarti said angrily. "I'd do anything for her."

　

"If you'll do anything, then call off this wedding!" Mark said angrily. "What were you thinking, Amelia?"

　

The Doctor appeared out of nowhere, Clara at his side. John was being held in Clara's arms. The Clara frowned and said, "She doesn't have to justify herself to you."

　

"Who are you?" Mark asked with a scowl on his face.

　

"This is my friend, Clara Oswald and her boyfriend, the Doctor." Amelia replied. "The baby is their son, John."

　

"I'm not-" the Doctor tried to deny his boyfriend status, as he hated the word, but Clara glared at him. Not the time.

　

"Is everyone here crazy?" Amelia's uncle asked. "My niece wants to marry a woman and her best friend is dating a man old enough to be her father!"

　

The Doctor and Clara shared an amused glance. Oh, if only he knew. "And they have a baby together!" Mark groaned. "That child is going to grow up thinking that this sort of thing is _normal_! A man older than myself dating a woman my niece's age and they've had a child! Children were meant to be raised by a normal, married couple!"

　

"He is right." Amelia's aunt admitted. "When _are_ you two planning on getting married?"

　

The Doctor turned red and sputtered, making obscure gestures with his hand. Clara was blushing as well. Thankfully, Pavarti saved them. "They don't need to be married to be committed to each other." Pavarti said supportively. "As long as they love each other and their son, everything will be fine."

　

"This is _not_ normal!" Mark growled.

　

"I never claimed to be _normal_." The Doctor snarked.

　

"He's right." Clara added, "He's not normal."

　

"Well, neither are you!" The Doctor shot back.

　

Clara rolled her eyes and said, "Whatever. You're weird. I'm weird. Let's just be weird together."

　

"I can do that." the Doctor said with a smile.

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

The wedding was in less than an hour and Clara had stopped by the bar for a drink. It was a virgin daiquiri, as she wanted to keep her head clear for the wedding. The Doctor was drinking some whiskey. Behind Clara, a voice called out, "Hey."

　

It was Amelia's cousin, Lewis. With an awkward smile, Clara replied, "Hey, yourself."

　

"Want to dance later?" he asked.

　

"Thank you for your offer, but I'm going to dance with the Doctor." Clara replied.

　

Lewis rolled his eyes and said, "Look, just because he knocked you up doesn't mean that you're obligated to dance with him."

　

The Doctor scowled at Lewis and was about to say something, but Clara spoke up first. "I'm dancing with the Doctor because I _want_ to Dance with him."

　

"Whatever." Lewis rolled his eyes. "You're in denial, both of you. I mean, how do you know the kid is even his? You could have sought out someone else since older man have, you know, _problems_ below the belt."

　

This time, the Doctor couldn't stay silent. He used his height and his Attack Eyebrows to intimidate the shorter man. It's super-effective! "First of all, John is clearly my son. He has my jaw and ears." The Doctor snarled. "As for the comment about my potency, I resent that."

　

"Go away, Lewis!" Clara snapped angrily.

　

"Whatever." Lewis said with a roll of his eyes. "If you change your mind about dancing with me, you know where to find him."

　

With that, Amelia's cousin walked off. Clara scowled and said, "Idiot."

　

"Calling him an idiot would be overly charitable." the Doctor scoffed.

　

"Probably." Clara replied. "You know better than to worry about what he said."

　

Clara smiled and said, "I'd never even think about some someone else. There's just you, Doctor. There's always been you."

　

Clara, still smiling at the Doctor, stood on tip-toe and pecked the Doctor on the lips. The Doctor, of course, wrapped his arms around Clara and deepened the kiss. As their tongues battled for dominance, the Doctor ground his crotch against Clara. He pressed his hardness against her and whispered, "Do you feel what you do to me, Clara Oswald?"

　

Clara chuckled and pushed the Doctor away. "Down, boy." she said with a grin. "We have a wedding to attend."

　

oooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was finally time for the wedding and Amelia and Pavarti, both in wedding dresses, stood holding hands under a flower-covered wicker arch. All of the guests were seated in folding chairs. The bridesmaids, including Clara, stood near the happy couple. The Doctor, as best man, also stood nearby. Jack seemed very pleased with himself and was finally ready to conduct the ceremony. "Dearly beloved," Jack began, "we are gathered here this day to witness the union of Amelia Rosalita Hernandez and Doctor Pavarti Patil in matrimony."

　

Jack looked over at the crowd before continuing, "The couple has written their own vows."

　

Pavarti smiled at Amelia and said, "When I was going through a confusing time in my life, you came into it just in time to save me. Whenever I am in trouble, you are always there to defend me, whether it be with your words or with your cricket bat."

　

The crowd chuckled for a moment before Pavarti continued, "I, Pavarti Patil, swear to love and protect you just as you've loved and protected me over these last four years. I give you my love now and for the rest of our lives."

　

A few of the people in the crowd wiped their eyes. It was Amelia's turn. "Pavarti," she said with a smile, "even when I first saw you, I knew that you were the woman for me. I know that we spent three long years on different sides of the Atlantic, but it was worth the wait to finally see you face to face. I want to spend my life with you, to raise your children, and to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. Pavarti Patil, nothing would please me more than for you to be my wife."

　

Pavarti and Amelia looked at Jack, who then began to speak. "Do you, Pavarti, take Amelia to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

　

Pavarti smiled at Amelia and said, "I do."

　

Jack then looked at Amelia and asked, "Do you, Amelia, take Pavarti to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

　

Amelia grinned at Pavarti and said, "I do."

　

Jack grinned. He loved weddings. He then said, "If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your piece."

　

Amelia's uncle was about to object, when Pavarti's father slapped his hand over the man's mouth. Jack paused to listen before continuing, "Then by the power vested in me by ordainme dot com, I now pronounce you wife and wife. You may kiss the bride."

　

Amelia grinned at Pavarti, wrapped her arms around her, and dipped her low as she claimed her wife's mouth with hers. Most of the crowd cheered. As she kissed Pavarti, Amelia tossed her bouquet into the air. There was a brief scramble and the bouquet flew towards the Doctor and practically _landed_ in his hands. Pavarti and Amelia shared a knowing look as they glanced at Clara and then at the Doctor, who was awkwardly holding the bouquet and trying to look anywhere but at the petite teacher. With the wedding done, the whole group headed to the tent where the reception would be held. There was a toast to the brides and then came the dancing. Amelia and Pavarti were the first to dance. Pavarti's father decided to cut in and took his turn dancing with his daughter and daughter-in-law. When the Cure's _Friday I'm In Love_ started to play over the speaker, the Doctor held his hand out to Clara and asked, "May I have this dance?"

　

Clara grinned and said, "You may."

　

The Doctor grabbed Clara and pulled her close to him. They then began a rather energetic waltz. The Doctor glanced at an angry Lewis but paid him no mind as he twirled Clara about the dance floor. When the song was over, the Doctor dipped Clara low in a perfect emulation of what Amelia had done with Pavarti earlier and claimed her mouth with his. Off in the distance, Pavarti and Amelia watched the Doctor and Clara dancing. Pavarti elbowed Amelia and said, "Do you think her catching the bouquet means anything?"

　

Amelia grinned and said, "I don't know. Maybe we'll find out."

　

When the party was over, Amelia and Pavarti got into Amelia's sub-compact and drove off. A sign reading 'Just Married' was attached to the back of the car and some empty cans rattled behind. Inside the car, Amelia took Pavarti's hand and asked, "What now, my darling wife?"

　

"I don't know, _wife_." Pavarti replied. "Did you have anything in mind?"

　

Amelia grinned and said, "I'm thinking Chicago."


	5. Chapter 5- The Optical Trauma Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I updated this story, but a few ideas popped into my mind that I simply could not resist. The call of my OTP is strong. I can't explain it. I just love these two idiots. These things are fun to write.

**Title: I Was A 2000 Year Old Puppy-Sitter**

**Rating: Mature/Explicit**

**Summary: With Amelia and Pavarti on their honeymoon in Chicago, the job of watching their dogs is left up to Clara. Of course, wherever Clara goes, the Doctor follows. What he wants is some quality time with her. What he gets is a lesson patience from a trio of feisty Chihuahuas.**

The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS and into Cricket Bat Woman's flat. He knew that Clara would be there, doing something called 'dog-sitting'. What being in that place had to do with sitting on a dog, the Doctor hadn't the faintest idea. He knew that Cricket Bat Woman and her partner had taken in three dogs shortly after John was born. The Doctor had yet to meet them, as he did not make a habit of visiting the domicile of a violently insane, cricket-bat-wielding madwoman. Said madwoman was, for some odd reason, close friends with his Clara. Now Cricket Bat Woman and her new wife were away on holiday, leaving their flat empty but for their dogs. John had been sort-of-but-not-really abducted by Clara's father and the useless woman he was married to. The boy was safe enough in their hands. The Doctor was quite pleased that now it was just himself and Clara. Since John had been born, he and Clara hardly had any time to themselves. It had been very difficult lately. The Doctor and Clara had both been feeling exceptionally frisky and John had been such a light sleeper as of late...

　

Well, let it just be said that the Doctor wasn't happy and neither was Clara. Some alone time was badly needed. Sex was definitely on the agenda, preferably post-adventure sex, but he'd settle for regular sex, or even just some time in Clara's company. Maybe a hand-job and a cuddle. Cricket Bat Woman had mentioned something about 'blue balls', but last time he checked, his testicles were not blue. It must be an American thing, he decided. Dismissing that irrelevant thought, he headed into the living room. Sitting on the sofa and watching the television was Clara. She had a black and tan long-haired Chihuahua on her lap, a short-haired white Chihuahua sitting on one side of the sofa, and a flat-coated fawn Chihuahua. The three Chihuahuas simultaneously turned their heads to look at the Doctor. They were strangely silent, which was odd for Chihuahuas. The Doctor couldn't help but feel a little nervous, even paranoid. Clara was the last to notice him. A cheerful expression appeared on her face as she happily said, "Doctor!"

　

The Doctor smiled back at his impossible girl and said, "Hello, Clara."

　

Clara scratched the Chihuahua on her lap under his ear and asked, "What are you doing here?"

　

"Can't I show up just to visit my companion?" The Doctor said with a smile.

　

"Well, yes, I suppose." Clara replied. "I'm just surprised to see you here, in Amelia and Pavarti's flat."

　

"Cricket Bat Woman isn't here." the Doctor said with a smirk. "It's just the two of us."

　

The three dogs then made themselves known by barking loudly, each demanding a different thing. The fawn one accused him of being an intruder. The black and tan one wanted to play fetch. The white one demanded treats. The Doctor frowned. Why did it have to be Chihuahuas? "Go. Away." he growled.

　

The Chihuahuas continued to bark at him and the Doctor was forced to use his Attack Eyebrows. The little dogs backed off quickly. Suddenly, there was a squeaking noise. The Doctor and all of the Chihuahuas looked up to see Clara holding a tug-rope with a squeaky toy on it. "Come on!" She said in an enthusiastic voice. She then chucked the toy across the room and shouted, "Go get it!"

　

The three Chihuahuas chased after the toy. The white one was the first to reach it. She seized it in her jaws and dragged it over to Clara as quickly as it could. The other two were not fast behind and attempted to steal the toy. The fawn Chihuahua succeeded and carried the toy over to Clara. The petite brunette looked up at the Doctor and smiled. "The fawn one is Paco." she introduced the dogs. "The white one is Lola and the black and tan one is Angel."

　

The Doctor didn't really give a damn what the little beasties' names were. "Right." he said flatly.

　

"It's about time to feed them." Clara said. She then asked, "Would you like to help? They're on a special diet."

　

"Great." the Doctor groaned.

　

"First, take off your boots." Clara instructed. "The carpet was just cleaned."

　

The Doctor grumbled under his breath and removed his boots. He then followed Clara into the kitchen. The teacher quickly prepared the meals and set them down on the ground. The three Chihuahuas then began to eat. The Doctor turned to Clara and raised a brow. She returned the gesture and said with a bit of suspicion in her voice, "You're thinking something."

　

"I'm always thinking." the Doctor replied.

　

"You're thinking about something different." Clara said with a frown. "What are you up to?"

　

"The dogs are distracted." the Doctor said with a smirk.

　

"Yes, they're distracted. What next?" Clara asked.

　

"Well, they're not paying attention and it'd be a waste of a clean counter if we didn't test how sturdy it was." the Doctor replied, still smirking.

　

"What are you getting at?" Clara inquired with a quirk of her brow.

　

The Doctor groaned and asked, "Clara, do I have to spell it out for you?"

　

Clara gave the Doctor a blank look. The Time Lord then sighed and lowered himself to Clara's level before cradling her face in his hands and claiming her lips with his. The impossible girl paused for a split second before melting into his touch. She buried her fingers into his hair, returning his kisses hungrily. The Doctor pulled Clara flush against him, letting her feel him harden against her belly. She leaned back against the counter, letting out a moan when the Doctor reached under her skirt and stroked her through her knickers. She looked up at the Time Lord and he gave her a rogueish grin before lifting her onto the counter and leaning in to mash his lips against hers again. Clara eagerly parted her lips and welcomed the Doctor's tongue with hers. He kissed his way down her jaw before sucking and nibbling his way down her neck, most likely leaving a trail of lovebites behind as he ground his hips into her core with a groan. He unbuttoned her jeans and was sliding the zipper down when he suddenly felt something warm and wet soaking his leg. He and Clara both glanced down to see Paco, leg lifted, urinating on the Time Lord's leg. "Paco, no!" Clara cried.

　

The Doctor shoved the dog away with his foot. He didn't kick the dog. He just shoved it. The little Chihuahua growled at him and the Doctor used his Attack Eyebrows. The dog only growled more. Clara sighed, gave the Doctor an apologetic look and took Paco out to wee as the Time Lord sonicked the urine off of his trouser leg and socks. Angel seemed amused by the whole thing and Lola just stared up at him innocently. "Little rodents." the Doctor grumbled under his breath.

　

After Clara had taken all three of the dogs, one by one, out to go to the bathroom, she picked up the dogs' empty bowls and set them in the sink. The Doctor shot the dogs another glare before returning his attention to his companion/lover. It seemed like sex would have to wait for later.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

A few hours later, it was time to take the dogs for a walk. Clara took all three of the dogs, each on a different leash. It had rained not long ago and the ground was littered with dirty puddles. The Doctor, of course, was at Clara's side, complaining about the Chihuahuas as he walked. "You can never trust a Chihuahua." the Time Lord said irritably. "They're fifty percent trembling and fifty percent hate."

　

"They're not that bad." Clara replied. "I just think that it's only Paco who doesn't like you."

　

"They're still evil." the Doctor grumbled. "Evil, yappy little monsters."

　

"They really don't bark that much usually." Clara said with a frown. "It's really strange."

　

"They're plotting against me, I just know it." the Doctor was not happy.

　

"Doctor, they are _not_ plotting against you!" Clara groaned. "Honestly, they're usually very well-behaved."

　

"You say that now." the Doctor said, still not happy. "Just wait until they try to kill us in our sleep."

　

"Doctor..." Clara groaned.

　

Suddenly, a car zoomed by, driving through a large puddle and drenching the Doctor, Clara, and all three Chihuahuas. The tiny dogs began yapping uncontrollably and running around the Time Lord and his companion's legs. The leashes tightened around them, pulling them together until they lost balance and toppled over into an exceptionally dirty puddle. Clara landed flat on her back and the Doctor landed right on top of her, knocking the wind out of her. Once she was able to draw air back into her lungs, Clara groaned and the Doctor muttered, "Sorry."

　

Carefully, the two untangled themselves before heading back to Cricket Bat Woman's home. Clara allowed the Doctor to sonic her clothes clean, but her hair and skin were still dirty. She gave the Chihuahuas a quick wash before toweling them dry and setting them loose in the flat. The Doctor was in a similar state, clothes clean but otherwise dirty. Clara sighed and said, "I need a shower."

　

"So do I." the Doctor replied. He then smirked at Clara and asked, "Fancy sharing? It'd save on water."

　

Clara laughed and said, "You're insatiable."

　

"We _were_ interrupted earlier." the Doctor said, still smirking.

　

Clara sighed and headed into the bathroom. The Doctor followed closely behind. The impossible girl turned the water on before she and the Time Lord disrobed and stepped under the water. Clara let out a groan as the Doctor ran a sudsy shower pouf over her body, spreading the lather all over her. They took turns washing each other, their arousal rising with every touch. When the Doctor began to lather the shampoo in Clara's hair, massaging her scalp, she let out a moan. The Time Lord could feel his manhood hardening with every soft sound that his companion made. Eventually, it was his turn to get his hair washed and he enjoyed every touch, every drag of her nails across his scalp. Once they were both rinsed, the Doctor pushed Clara against a wall and leaned down to run his tongue up her neck. She let out a soft moan as he slipped a hand between her legs and began to stroke her clitoris. She whimpered softly as she rubbed herself against his hand. She was slick with her juices and he knew that she was ready for him. He grasped her by her thighs and lifted her up, pinning her to the wall with his body. She wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his hips. The Doctor rested his forehead against Clara's and was about to enter her when a loud bark ripped through the air. The two lovers looked outside the shower to see all three Chihuahuas, sitting outside the shower and staring at them. The Doctor returned his attention to Clara and brushed himself against her entrance. "Doctor!" Clara interrupted him

　

"What?" the Doctor muttered.

　

"They're watching!" Clara hissed.

　

"So?" the Doctor asked.

　

"I can't do it with them just _watching_ us!" Clara said with a frown.

　

The Doctor looked into Clara's eyes and saw that she was sincere. He let out a sigh and lowered her to the tiled floor. To be continued, then.

　

ooooooooooooooooooo

　

Clara spent the rest of the day attending to the dogs' needs before they finally headed to their beds and went to sleep for the evening. With that taken care of, it was just the Doctor and her. The Time Lord smirked and said, "Now where were we?"

　

Clara giggled and flung her arms around the Doctor's neck, pulling him down to her to kiss him. They locked lips furiously as he guided her over to the sofa. He guided her down onto the cushions and watched her hungrily as she spread her legs, her skirt riding up and showing her knickers. The Doctor removed his coat and tossed it away before starting on his waistcoat. Clara also began to disrobe, first unbuttoning her cardigan and then starting on her top. Next came her skirt, followed shortly afterwards by the Doctor's trousers. They were only left in their underwear. Clara was about to unfasten her bra when the Doctor stopped her hands and said, "Let me."

　

He reached behind her back and expertly unclipped her bra before slipping it off of her. With her breasts exposed, he leaned down and sucked a nipple into his mouth. Clara let out a surprised hiss. He sucked and nibbled at one breast while he massaged the other with one hand. Eventually, he switched breasts before releasing the nipple and kissing his way down her belly. When he arrived at her waist, he took her underwear and pulled them down. The Doctor then pushed Clara's thighs apart a bit more before burying his face in her center. He lapped at her, laved at her, and sucked on just the right places. Clara had buried her fingers in his hair and was moaning loudly, thrashing her head back and forth as she was overwhelmed by the sensation of the Doctor's superior oral aptitude. Well, he thought that it was superior, anyway. He hadn't received any complaints. Just as Clara seemed to be at the edge of orgasm, the Doctor ceased his administrations. The petite teacher let out a frustrated groan. The Time Lord grinned and slid up her body, resting his hips between her legs and coating himself with her wetness. He prodded at her clitoris with the tip of his erection before, finally, Clara seized his head in her hands and made her look directly at him. "Stop teasing me, Doctor," she ordered, "and just fuck me."

　

"You're the boss." the Doctor said with a smirk.

　

With that said, he pushed himself into her. They both let out satisfied groans. The Doctor then began moving, sliding in and out of her with practiced ease. No words could describe how much he had missed being inside her. Well, there probably were words, but he was a bit too busy to come up with them. When one thrust hit that special spot inside Clara that made her squirm, she let out a sharp cry. The Doctor grinned wickedly and kept moving in and out of her, this time making sure to hit that spot with every thrust. As they made love on the sofa, the Doctor and Clara missed the sound of the door being unlocked. With one mighty thrust, the Time Lord brought his companion to completion as she buried her teeth into his shoulder to muffle her scream. It didn't break skin, but it came close. It would certainly leave a bruise. Just as the Doctor, with one mighty thrust, at last climaxed and spilled himself inside Clara, the familiar voice of Cricket Bat Woman said, "Hey, guys, we're ho- OH GOD!"

　

Still connected below the waist, the Doctor and Clara whipped their heads around to see a horrified Cricket Bat Woman and Pavarti Patil. The neurologist was stammering, attempting to come up with words to describe the situation. As the Doctor and Clara separated and frantically pulled their clothes back on, the American woman covered her eyes and wailed, "Oh, Jesus Christ, it BURNS!"

　

"It wasn't that bad." the Doctor scoffed.

　

"My eyes!" Cricket Bat Woman cried, "My delicate lesbian _eyes_!"

　

"I could have gone a lifetime without seeing Clara's boyfriend's _come face_." Pavarti sighed, burying her face in her hands.

　

"I'm not her boyfriend." the Doctor grumbled under his breath.

　

"Well, look on the bright side." Clara said sheepishly.

　

"What could possibly be the _bright side_?" Cricket Bat Woman snapped.

　

"We took good care of the dogs." Clara replied with an awkward grin.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

**Title: Spanking the Monkey**

**Rating: Mature/Explicit**

**Summary: Captain Jack Harkness is in a bad way and he needs someplace quiet to 'find himself'. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done when you live with two other people and a baby. Even in a ship of seemingly infinite size, privacy can be very hard to find. One would think that someone as intelligent as the Doctor would at least remember to knock first. This fic contains gratuitous use of euphemisms.**

　

Ah, yes. Life was good for Jack Harkness. He had a good place to live and good people to live with in a life of adventure. The Doctor let him live in the TARDIS rent-free, as long as he cooked, did his own laundry, and babysat little Johnny every now and then. He couldn't complain too much. Of course, he was feeling less than comfortable when he woke up in the Doctor's favorite chair. Another thing that was uncomfortable was the little thing- well, not so little- that was tenting his pajama bottoms. He'd had the most wonderful dream about an old flame from Regis VI, nipple clamps, a pair of red six-inch stiletto pumps, and a life-sized silicone rainbow trout. Dream logic made no sense because in real life, the life-size silicone fish would have been a sockeye salmon and the last time he had worn those heels was at the Time Agency Christmas party, so many years ago. He'd had fun at that party and those heels made his calves look fantastic. He also got travel-size food replicator from his Secret Santa. Shortly after that, he learned the identity of his Secret Santa and the two of them later met for dinner. Good times. Good times. He wondered absent-mindedly if he still looked good in heels.

　

Jack got up, stretched, and immediately sat down on the sofa. He had a problem below the waist that he needed to take care of. Just then, the Doctor walked in. He was, to Jack's amusement, wearing question mark pajamas. With John teething, lately the Doctor and Clara's nights had been brutal. Things like this made Jack glad that he had no children and actually made him consider getting a vasectomy. That decision could wait for another day, though. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, the Doctor grumbled, "Breakfast."

　

"Good morning to you, too, Doctor." Jack said with thinly veiled amusement in his voice.

　

"It's not a good morning, Jack." the Doctor replied. "Damn it, I could really use some of those buttermilk pancakes."

　

Jack was feeling a little frustrated with his current predicament and said, "I'll get back to you in about a half-hour, Doc. I need to buff the banana."

　

"Right, good idea." the Doctor replied. "Put some banana slices on the pancakes."

　

"Doctor, I'm talking about basting the ham." Jack groaned. "Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger!"

　

"Jack, if you want to see a yogurt slinger, it can wait until after breakfast. I can build one, though what you'd want to sling yogurt for is a mystery to me." the Doctor groused. "Ham sounds good, though."

　

Jack let out a sigh. There was no getting out of this one. "All right, Doc." He resigned himself to his fate. "I'll meet you in the galley."

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was mid-afternoon and Jack couldn't stop thinking about that dream. It was fairly vanilla compared to some of his dreams, but it had still been very sexy. He was finally alone and, wouldn't you know it, he popped another boner. He really needed to choke the chicken and get it out of his system. He had to do something about it. He needed someplace private. An idea struck him. With a thought in mind, he headed to the bathroom. Once he was in there, he forgot to close the door. He turned the shower on, turning the water as hot as he could take it. While it was heating up, he quickly disrobed. He then headed into the shower. As he let the hot water blanket him, Jack let out a sigh of contentment. He reached over to the shelf and retrieved his favorite shampoo. It wasn't particularly manly, but hey, coconut smelled good. He slowly lathered his hair, enjoying the sensation of his fingers teasing his scalp as he imagined someone else washing his hair. After a while of doing this, he placed his head back under the stream of the shower and rinsed his hair. Then came the conditioner, which he savored just as much as the shampoo. Again, he liked the smell of coconut. He left the conditioner in his hair for about a minute before rinsing it out. Things were going very well. "Nice." Jack murmured. "I see what they mean when they say that I have 'magic hands'."

　

The Captain reached over to retrieve something else, a cocoa butter infused body wash and a shower pouf. He squeezed the bottle, squirting a liberal amount of the shower gel onto the pouf. Then, he began to wash himself. He inhaled deeply, savoring the scent of cocoa butter as he slowly caressed his body with the shower pouf. He would take his time with this, get himself into the mood. He wanted this to be the best gherkin-jerking session that he'd had in a long time. He moved the pouf across his chest, leaving behind a trail of lather. Next came his arms. He had rather nice biceps, if he did say so himself. He washed as much of his back as he could reach before sliding down to his taut, round buttocks and enjoying his own touch there. He eventually had to move on. He began to cleanse his legs, which were quite toned from the frequent running he did during adventures with the Doctor and Clara. The feeling of the lather and his hands on his thighs was something to think about. Now it was time for him to return to his torso. He washed his chest once more before slowly, sensually, running the pouf down his abdomen. He lingered there for a moment before following the trail of hair on his lower abdomen down to his groin. He lathered the curly hairs that marked him as an adult, making sure to thoroughly enjoy himself. He cleansed his genitals, savoring the sensation. He cupped his balls in his free hand, playing with them to rile himself up. By then, he was half-hard. Taking his time was definitely a good idea. He hung the shower pouf up on its hook before moving to his original goal. He took his cock in his hands and began to stroke it to hardness. Now fully erect, he began to gently tug and pull at his erection and let out a soft moan. Taking his time was definitely a good idea. He gradually increased the speed and pressure of his movements, intent on reaching his goal, but not too quickly.

　

Jack let out another moan as he savored the his own touch. He began to move his hips, fucking his hand, his face twisted with pleasure. The sensations that he was experiencing were simply exquisite. "Oh, yes." He groaned.

　

The time for patience was over. He pumped his erection with new abandon, intent on reaching his goal. He was so close. He was going to come. He was going to come from one of the best masturbatory sessions that he'd had in years. He closed his eyes, wrought with anticipation. He was so involved in what he was doing that he didn't hear someone walk into the bathroom. He didn't hear them disrobe. He didn't know that anyone was there until he heard someone talking. A feminine voice spoke up in an enticingly sultry tone, "Waiting for me in there, Doctor?"

　

Before Jack could respond, the speaker yanked the shower curtains open. It was Clara. "Surprise, Doc- OH MY GOD!"

　

Normally Jack would be quite pleased to see a beautiful woman walk in on him in the shower, but the knowledge of what the Doctor would do to him if looked at Clara the wrong way was a serious deterrent. Clara looked away, clearly mortified. "Oh god, Jack! I'm sorry!"

　

She turned around and covered her eyes before pulling the shower curtain shut. Jack heard the sounds of his friend putting her clothes back on and leaving. The Captain looked down at his penis. Knowing what the Doctor would do to him if he found out that Clara caught him pumping the stump in the shower was a serious boner-killer. Jack let out a sigh before rinsing himself off and leaving the shower. It looked like shaking the snake would have to wait for another time.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooo

　

Jack was getting pretty frustrated that he hadn't been able to rub one out. Was a nice, quiet place to whack his willy too much to ask for? So far, he hadn't really been able to avoid the Doctor or Clara. Sometimes he liked having an audience, but right now he wanted some privacy. He would do anything for a good, private place to arm-wrestle with his one-eyed vessel. He had been searching the TARDIS for quite a while and was growing thoroughly miserable. Needless to say, when he found a nearly-empty storage room, he was thrilled. He searched the room for somewhere to sit down, but there was nowhere to sit. Then he spotted a sturdy-looking shelf. That looked like a good place to jack it. With great ease, the Captain climbed up onto the shelf. He unzipped his trousers, lowered his underpants slightly, and drew his penis out. He stroked himself to hardness, closing his eyes as he let out a happy sigh. Once he was erect, he began to pump his erect length with an eager hand. He had to build up to it lest he become over-stimulated, so he started slowly. As he pulled and tugged on his hard sex, he was unable to suppress a moan. He caressed his balls with his free hand, enjoying the sensation. Gradually, he increased the potency of his motions. He was breathing hard as he thrust his hips into his hand. It felt so good. He needed to do this more often. He hadn't touched himself in months.

　

"Oh gods!" he groaned.

　

He knew that he was going to come soon. He could feel that telltale tightening in his balls. He was so involved that he barely noticed the door opening. The Doctor stepped in and the Time Lord turned and saw him. "Harkness, what the hell-"

　

The Doctor's words were interrupted by Jack's abrupt climax. The Captain looked on in horror as he ejaculated towards the Time Lord's face. He could swear that he heard an operatic _Ave Maria_ playing in the background as his semen struck the Doctor in the face. The Time Lord had a look of abject horror on his face. He blinked as some of the copious fluid dripped off the tip of his nose. He looked utterly traumatized and, without a word, he left the storage room in a robot-like motion. Jack looked out the door and saw Clara standing there. She shook her head and said, "I _cannot_ unsee that."

　

The woman then walked away, leaving Jack all by himself. It was this situation that left him feeling an emotion that he did not feel often: embarrassment. He decided that next time he found a room to crank the shank in, he would make absolute sure that he locked the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you're out there, Jack Harkness fans. I haven't forgotten you.


End file.
